Wait, what are we talking about right now? Oh yeah. How life has changed since children. Sorry, but I’m a little distracted as one of my 4 year old twins sings her homegrown and – um- awesome song, while the other twin is fighting with his 8-year old sister to have the pleasure of watching that inspirational and intellectual powerhouse of a show called “Uncle Grandpa” (if you’ve had the opportunity to watch it, you’d understand the sarcasm).

But I’m going to hunker down, tune out their whining (I’ve had lots of practice), and finish this post. Because I’ve got a lot to say if my words don’t get caught in the knots of my hair that I don’t wash very often anymore.

For the record, I was once a focused, determined and cognitively “on” person. I wrote lists and kept to them. I had a vision! I had a purpose! I had a rock solid memory!! Now, well let’s just say that things have changed and it’s not always pretty (does that word even apply to me anymore???).

Want specifics? Here are just some of the thoughts I have now, which I didn’t have before children (those that I can remember, that is)

1. What am I doing again? I get this a lot, usually when I’ve taken a 2-second walk from the family room to the kitchen and have my head squarely in the fridge. My mind has become a sieve and pretty much everything that everyone says to me takes a nosedive through it. Just like my 8 hours of sleep, my memory is gone. The worst is when this happens when I’m driving and only 1 of my 3 kids is in the car.
2. Who is this man next to me? Along the same lines as above, I sometimes wake up wondering who this bear of a person is next to me. Particularly if the kids are crying and he is sound asleep. Who could sleep through that? Is he pretending to be asleep? Did he also “pretend” to have a meeting when all the neighborhood kids came over the other day? Maybe if I just give him a little push off the bed, he’ll go away.
3. Hmmm....hold on. I'm having a moment. Once upon a time, I would catch sight of a sculpted male body and delve into a fantasyland where he and I are walking (skipping?) down a white sand beach. He leans down, locks eyes with me and utters some incomprehensible phrase (since he clearly has an accent that I don’t understand) and I smile up at him as the sunlight frames his face. Now I skip ahead just to the part about how my stomach looks flat and surprisingly tan in that tiny bikini that I actually have the gall to wear. Oh and there’s somehow wine involved. And chocolate cake. And maybe some sleep.
4. Why is that assh*le screaming so much? Oh wait, that’s me. I like to manage my anger and exude an aura of calm. Which is why it’s so odd to have these all too regular out-of-body experiences at Target where I hear some assh*le screaming at their kids who have darted off in 3 different directions. I scoff at this douchebag, who obviously knows nothing of how to handle their rambunctious children. Until I look around and realize that this assh*le is me. As my 4-year son says, “burn”.
5. Yes, I did mean to put my cell phone down next to the Teddy Grahams, thank you very much. Oftentimes, I find myself looking for things I’ve lost (see point #1 above). And lo and behold with just a little searching – ok, maybe an hour of searching and some intermittent yelling for said item – I’ll end up finding it in a completely inappropriate place. My cell phone in the pantry, my iPad in the veggie drawer, my wedding ring at the bottom of my kid’s toilet. Yes, well maybe it needed cleaning. C'mon folks, I’m looking on the bright side here.
6. Please don’t make me laugh so much. No really, I can’t afford any more underpants. Really, need I say more? I think every woman that’s given birth knows exactly what I’m talking about, especially if you’ve had the pleasure of being pregnant with twins until their due date. And I debated saying “panties” above because really – let’s be honest - what I wear involves a whole lot more fabric that what you’d get in a “panty”. On the plus side, they’ve now introduced a cool new product to capture all that leakage. Great – now I can wear a tampon every day.
7. Grammar improves! Just when you thought all was lost, here is a bonafide benefit. My 4-year olds correct me ALL THE TIME on my grammar. Excuse me, but it’s not “I woke up”, it’s “I waked up”. Get it right, mommy.
8. Entertainment is now free. Once upon a time, I was a huge movie buff. I knew all the movies playing in the theatres, read all the reviews, and would compulsively watch all of the ones of interest to me. And then, of course, were the plays, comedy shows, and dance performances. Now I still get to see performances but they are of the off-key, twisted step, uncoordinated variety of young children who interrupt every showing with “look at me!”, “you’re not looking at me enough!!”, “clap for me” “clap for me MORE” “HARDER!!” “I’ve got to pee!!.” And the show ends with one or more children collapsing on the floor on top of a potential pee stain. Not quite a night at the movies, but not too shabby either.