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Challenge: Life Changes

Motherhood is beautiful and brutal...

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Motherhood:

Being a mom is hard…

harder than anything I have ever encountered. I am in a constant state of the unknown at every developmental stage of their life… I can’t say it gets easier since I have been living in the unknown for sixteen years…

Currently, the unknown is how to survive living in the nucleus of the storm, a funnel of teenage emotions, needs and wants… the funnel is spiraling and I am trying to stay on the outside and not sucked in but the pull is so strong that I have no way out, I am trapped.

There is a pull towards the me before kids but then I let go knowing I needed and wanted more in life, but then feel another pull…

A pull towards the elated young mom laughing with a toddler on her hip, making silly faces and spending summer days in the sprinklers in the backyard, building forts and looking for frogs. I miss the old me… the one where I didn't always feel torn. Rather, I was looked up to for guidance, reassurance, kisses to make the pain go away and every other little thing that their hearts and brains desired.

Now the funnel sucks me in further and I am drowning a bit…

Being a mom of teens is brutal and throws me around more than I would like. I am not sure where it all went wrong… I don’t have teens with addiction or behavioral issues but it is incredibly hard to not feel that I went wrong somewhere because nothing I can do or say is ever enough…

I could get out of this funnel if I didn't hear the complaints and someone please remind me how did we get to the point where my teen is attempting to put parameters on me?

The funnel encapsulates me again… I’m drowning trying to hold my head up long enough to breathe… How is the answer of yes not good enough? When did it become not good enough? And why can nothing I do or say be looked at in a positive way even when the wish is granted? That damn funnel… it keeps circling me and taking over. I need it to just stop, let me out for a bit, give me a break to get my bearings and to exhale.

Whoosh! Back up I go… does anyone even notice I am gone? The funnel has taken me, pulled out every raw emotion, including ones that have been deep inside for so long but have now emerged with this overwhelming feeling of losing myself, and basically spit me out on the ground.

But the funnel doesn't stop, it keeps going even through the small pockets of air when a conversation is held, a smile is given, maybe even gather a quick hug…because right around the corner is the suction…the need that I’m not good enough, my answer is not in line with their agenda, I’m over protective, annoying, psychotic, keep adding in any negative word here and that basically sums up my summer deep within the funnel.

Another pull… is this just the feeling of not being needed or wanted? Friends taking over family for this teenage stage? Please tell me this part of the funnel will not last too long, I don't know if I can keep gasping for little bits of air.

The suction of the funnel has changed me… it has made me angry and sad, while also mixed with joy all at the same time… it has put me in defense mode, made me open my eyes to my girls growing up and having bigger emotional needs, forced me to face the reality of narcism and that only one agenda matters and that is their agenda, made me look reality in the eye and recognize the thousands of mistakes I made as a mom… wishing I didn't have any regrets and could go back in time to that toddler on my hip laughing with snot running down her face, but knowing with pure honesty that I can’t change anything except for what is to come tomorrow and maybe not even that… for they have their own plan, I can only hope that I am part of that plan… and all of the parts of me they can’t stand one day they will understand and cherish, but only time will tell… I have to first live through this funnel… I just wish it was a funnel filled with intense love rather than my fear that it is filled with deep hate. Motherhood… it is beautiful and brutal…

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