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The Best (Worst) Dad Jokes Ever

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Dad jokes are those awful, corny one-liners that you're embarrassed to laugh at. The only difference between a dad joke and bad joke is just one letter, after all. Moms and kids can tell them too, but most dads happen to lack the shame needed to just keep quiet when these cheesy punchlines come to mind.

Experts on the subject believe the first dad joke was told during the stone age:

Cave Daughter: I'm hungry.

Cave Dad: Hi Hungry, I’m Dad.

The art and science of dad jokes has progressed slightly since that prehistoric period, but not by much. Dads have discovered that the best venues for reeling off their greatest groaners are the ones with a captive audience. Kids everywhere fear the dad who tells these zingers in front of their friends. The modern age has also brought important developments with the smartphone, a device that will actually notify kids when a new dad joke arrives. It almost seems as if texts and tweets were invented for dad jokes. Some dad jokes are longer than one-liners, which can really increase their level of devastation, but most are simple and short.

If you're a dad, build up your arsenal by reading this rundown of some of the best dad jokes ever told. Otherwise, use these jokes to prepare yourself for the worst and fortify your defenses against the dads of the world who are seeking to make you laugh against your will. Although these jokes are organized by situation, dads are known to use them at any time, and on anyone. Dad joke survivors report that the best defense is to be prepared.

When sitting in the dentist waiting room, dads should make sure to tell this joke loudly so everyone can hear, and repeat the joke to the staff so they can spread it to other patients like a virus.

What time was the man's dentist appointment?

Tooth-hurt-y.

If this joke makes the staff cry out in pain, the sharp-witted dad will follow up by asking,

Did I hurt your fillings?

If a restaurant host ever asks your family if you have reservations, the dad in the party just might make use of this answer:

No, we're confident we want to eat here.

On the way to the table, a well-prepared dad will ask, Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? When people nearby look up from their plates out of curiosity, he'll answer,

Great food, no atmosphere.

And finally, after sitting down, the quick dad will point out the seafood menu and ask, Why don't crabs give to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

When passing by the jewelry section of a store, a dad just might ask, Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?

Because they were watch dogs.

Even when walking up a flight of stairs, a dad could sadly complain that he doesn’t trust stairs. Why not?

They're always up to something.

A dad making pasta with the kids could turn on the stove burner and say, RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

Another common situation where dads unleash their pun-liners is while driving the carpool to school. Here’s one that works for kids taking Chemistry:

What did the suspect molecule say to the officer?

I've got my ion you.

Speaking of officers, Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

If a dad passes a cyclist while driving the kids to school, maybe he’ll ask, What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

A good/bad dad joke for the carpool drop-off line is, Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

The teacher woke him up.

Why do melons have weddings?

Because they cantaloupe.

It turns out that the most effective dad jokes play on something a kid says. Researchers think the pain inflicted by this method seems more severe because the son or daughter feels like they invited the punchline.

Dad, did you get a haircut?

No I got them all cut.

Dad, can you put my shoes on?

No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out?

I didn't know she was on fire.

Are you alright, Dad?

Technically, I’m half left and half right.

And the dad joke that truly shows its lineage from days of old, bringing us back to the beginning:

Daughter: I’ll call you later.

Dad: I’d really prefer that you call me Dad.

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