When I was pregnant with our first child I never envisioned being in the NICU. As a first time mom I had no concept of what was in store for us. Our first child was born at 34 weeks and 5 days. Brady was in the NICU for a week. He did not require any real “support” – he just needed help eating and he needed to be monitored. During those 5 days I was overwhelmed with emotion – but it was a walk in park. Little did we know 2 years later we would be back in the NICU but this time it would be different – we would be there for 9 weeks with two babies.

Our daughters were born at 29 weeks and 1 day (and that one day was hard earned). After having preterm labor with our son and then finding out at 7 weeks I was pregnant with twins we knew this would be a hard road. I had weekly check-ins with a visiting nurse and weekly medication to try and prevent preterm labor. All to no avail. I went in for my 29 week checkup on Friday afternoon at 4pm and by 630pm I was in Labor and Delivery – 3 cm dilated. My medical team fought hard to keep those babies in me – I made it 22 hours with a magnesium drip – any mom who has had that medication knows it is not pleasant. Our babies received one of their shots to develop their lungs more rapidly and at 2:22am that Saturday our daughters were born at 2 lbs. 10 oz. and 2 lbs. 15 oz. respectively. I did not see them when they were born by C-section – two medical teams of 10 people were waiting for them in the next room. I remember telling my husband to go to them – I would be fine.

Later that night I finally made it up to the NICU but I was unprepared for what followed. I saw the doors I remembered from that week 2 years ago but it was the smell that got me. I felt sick but I persisted – my babies were in there. I saw my girls for 5 minutes, they were in incubators and their faces were covered because they had jaundice. But they were alive and now the fight was on.

The next 9 weeks were the most difficult of our lives. Between our two daughters they had a multitude of issues. One was allergic to my breast milk – she required special formula. Both had sepsis at different points. Both were on ventilators for some period of time. One had a broviac line placed which required surgery – my daughter still carries the scar today. Both had sleep apnea and acid reflux.

I remember after a very bad night for one of my daughters saying to my husband that I felt like I was living in my own personal hell. These were my babies and I could not take care of them and keep them safe. I felt responsible for the situation they were in. If only I had kept them in me. If only my body did not fail me. If only….. It is hard for a time and you feel tremendous guilt - like you will never get out of this place. You cannot take your children home, you cannot hold them when you want and when you do hold them you cannot go far because they are attached to a million wires. As a mom the one thing you want to do is care for them – but you can’t.

We spent a full holiday season in the NICU while trying to take care of a 2 year old. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. We went every single day to the NICU to see our girls. We did skin to skin contact. We learned how the monitors worked. We learned how feeding tubes worked. We watched them get blood transfusions. We learned what a re-tick rate was. We learned it all.

During our time in the NICU we saw 3 babies pass away. 3 babies. Yet we walked out of that NICU with two children and we did not do it alone. Without the support of our families and the absolutely amazing people who work in the NICU we would not have our girls. The doctors and nurses you meet in the NICU become your family – they will always be a part of our lives.

I remember one of the girl's lead nurses telling me once for every step forward you take in the NICU you take 15 back, but you will get there and we did. 8 years later I can now reflect and release the guilt I felt during that time. My girls are fighters like their Mom and Dad, they just wanted to show us a little bit of who they were earlier than expected. They are healthy, thriving 8 year olds. Their biggest health concerns are glasses and tubes in their ears.

We are the lucky ones. We are blessed. We are thankful.