You know what's crazy? Getting my kids in the car in a timely fashion. How can it possibly take 20 minutes to pick up your backpack and walk 20 feet? I do not know. I suspect they do it to mess with me because I recently observed that if they hear the ice cream truck, they're out the door, with shoes on, in under five seconds. This is probably true for a lot of families.

But we don't talk much about the other end of this equation. We don't talk about what is required to get kids from the car into the house. I mean, it's only 20 feet, it just shouldn't be that hard. And yet... It is. So I created a list of 10 rules (more like suggestions, really) to help my kids get from the car into the house without me needing a sedative.

10 RULES FOR GETTING MY CHILDREN FROM THE CAR TO THE HOUSE

1. Wait for the car to stop and only then do you unbuckle yourself. Do not unbuckle the baby without telling me or she will escape and feed spare change into the CD player again.

2. Don’t throw open the car door and hurl yourself out of the vehicle while the engine is still running. That’s how kids get hurt and also why mommies shriek bad words and develop nervous tics.

3. Collect your things (jacket, backpack, etc). If you’ve done something asinine like take off your shoes and socks for the three-minute ride home from school, please put them back on.

4. Snackers: Please dispose of the now flaccid empty yogurt tube, the still sloshing (soon to be rancid) juice box, or the last remains of your exploded-into-a-million-crumbs granola bar.

5. Stuffing debris and foodstuffs under your seat does not count as “taking care of it.” That’s why our van smells like cheese, you guys.

6. Exit the vehicle in an orderly fashion based on where you are sitting because contrary to what you shout at each other, the first child out of the car has not actually defeated anyone.

7. Or please just exit the vehicle. Really. Get out of the car. Please.

8. Once out, please don’t get as dirty as possible as quickly as possible for the sole purpose of tracking that dirt into the house.

9. It would be great if you did not engage in a 10-meter footrace with your siblings while also shoving them and screaming.

10. Please be patient for the 10 seconds it will take me to unlock the front door (no kicking it or throwing your weight against it as if you were a DEA agent and our family home was a meth lab).

Thank you so much,

Your mother

This post originally appeared on Rants From Mommyland.

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