Some may say this article is TMI, but of those I have shared this topic with, I often hear a sigh of relief, knowing their kids aren’t the only ones who are obsessed with their private parts. I have three boys so I can only speak to the male anatomy, but again, from talking with friends who have both boys AND girls, our kids are all thinking about their goods.

The things that come out of my children’s mouths are so inappropriate and rather disturbing, yet because of their ages (ten, eight and four) are actually rather innocent, honest and yes, funny. At times, they are really just curious about how it all works…my parts included. Their inquiries definitely leave me scratching my head.

I am sharing this information with all of you because if we can’t share the good, the bad and the strange parts of motherhood, what’s the point, right? I hope at least one of you moms out there reading this will say, “Oh, thank G-d…I thought my kid was a mini perv
but now I know he is just one of many”. If not, I need to seriously consider my parenting style.

Are you ready? These are actual statements my children have made…I promise I have not embellished or made these statements sound more humorous or more bizarre than they actually are:

1. “Mommy, my bag is soooo soft. Want to feel?” (Nope, I’ll take your word for it)

2. “Mommy, how come sometimes my weenie is up and sometimes it’s down, sometimes it’s small and sometimes it’s big? (Um….where’s Daddy?)

3. “Mama, how many holes does a vagina have? (Well…uhhh….three…now go do your homework)

4. “My weenie hurts and it’s all hard.” (I suggest you stop pulling it and you should feel better soon)

5. “Did you know you can call your balls, “nuts”? I learned that at school today.” (Wonderful…money well spent)

6. “I love my penie, don’t you?” (Yes I love all of you…even your penie)

7. “Every week I am going to name my penis and I would like you to call it by its name, ok?” (Um…okay…I guess)

8. “Say goodnight to my penis Robert. Do you want to give Robert a good night kiss?” (Sweet dreams Bob…let’s skip the kiss)

9. “Look mom, it gets hard when I touch it.” (Congrats, it works)

10. “Mom, do you pee out of your tushie hole since you don’t have a penis?” (Nope, but you would already know that since every time I go to the bathroom, you try to put your head as close to the toilet as possible to find out on your own)

11. “Mom, check it out, I have hair on my balls.” (One day buddy…one day)

12. “Does the dog have a penis or vagina and why is she always licking it”? (She has a vagina and oh look at the time…let’s go kids)

13. “Hey Mom, I’m so excited because I think my penis is bigger than it was last week.” (That is pretty exciting stuff bud)

14. “Balls are awesome.” (That’s what I have heard)

15. “Mom, I think I only have one ball.” (I’ll call the doctor)

Okay, by now you are either thanking your lucky stars my kids are not your kids or laughing because you can relate. Hopefully it’s the latter. My theory is that if my boys are sharing their curiosities and questions about their bodies (and mine) now, they will continue to share subjects that are typically embarrassing with me when they are older. I don’t want them to ever be ashamed of their bodies (don’t think I will have that issue) or wonder what is happening to their bodies when puberty comes.

I also am very open with my kids and tell them no subject is off limits. If they have a question, I have an answer, although some of their questions want to make me run for the hills or just lock myself in my pantry and die laughing.

Sometimes you just have to take it all in, try your best to hide your chuckle and know that your kids are just being curious kids. Parenting is certainly awkward and uncomfortable at times but it’s all part of the job. At least my dog is a girl…and doesn’t ask questions.

TOGETHER WE CAN MASTER MOTHERHOOD™…and our kids being gross

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