I am pregnant with my fifth child. Let it be known my kids are all under the age of 8. This means I have spent only three of the last eight years wearing pants without an elastic waistband. I have spent enough time in my gynecologist’s office I may as well have my mail delivered there.

The average pregnancy lasts 280 days, which is a long time when you factor in all the strange things that happen during human reproduction including hormonal and body changes, strange food cravings, and foggy brain. It is difficult to explain the oddities that occur during gestation unless you have experienced it.

You Know You Are Pregnant When…

1. You need a nap an hour after you wake up.
2. You can’t escape the smell of cat urine, even though you don’t own cat.
3. You wonder if you will ever be able to fit into a pair of jeans with a zipper ever again.
4. You think nothing of ordering two appetizers after devouring a main entrée.
5. You consider cutting off the relative who asked if you are having twins.
6. You can’t look at raw chicken or anything made with cream.
7. You ask your spouse three times a day if you are getting too fat.
8. You arrive at work wearing two different shoes or only one hoop earring.
9. You research strollers like you used to research plane tickets to Las Vegas.
10. You daydream about getting a chiropractic adjustment.
11. You wonder if Dunkin’ Donuts has a membership program.
12. You get up to pee, and you already did.
13. You save your best underwear for OB appointment day.
14. You need to slowly lower your boobs out of your bra because they are so tender.
15. You feel like you are in a never ending battle against varicose veins.
16. You need 5 king size pillows to get into a comfortable sleeping position.
17. You keep a bag of Skittles in your glove compartment.
18. You become unhinged when someone cuts you off in traffic.
19. You want to rip off the arm of the stranger who attempts to touch with your belly while waiting in line at Starbucks.
20. You debate calling the police to report someone without a uterus has parked in the pregnant parking spot at the hospital.

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