Every pregnancy matters.
Every pregnancy was real.
A loss is a loss...it never goes away.

May 6 2014 was the due date for my first pregnancy.
I had never been pregnant before.
I had the ovulation kits, I did the pre pregnancy dieting, I started taking folic acid and I was obsessively tracking my periods in one of them apps.
I’d taken pregnancy tests before but this was the first time properly trying and planned so I was super excited.
It was positive. All of them were positive..

I could not have been any happier. I just couldn’t believe I was going to be a mum! A little baby was growing inside of me and it was real, it was now, it was time.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mum, cliché I know but that is me.
There was nothing that could stop my face from smiling, it pained me to wait all day for my partner to get home, but I waited and when I showed him I was excited all over again, as was he.

I told my mum. I told my sisters . I told friends.

For another week or so I remained blissfully on this amazing high of being pregnant. I bought all the cute little socks.

A pink onesie.
A blue one.

I googled baby room decor, I saved items in my shopping trolley online. I was miles into the pregnancy and I’d only known for a few weeks. We chose a name..
Rose.
I was so positive I would have a girl first.
The first lot of bloods came back all normal and they told me
“ You are due May 6”.
Getting a due date made it even more real and exciting everything I had always imagined pregnancy would feel like..

I went to sleep on a Sunday night with my baby app due to show me the next fruit or vegetable my baby would be the next day as I entered another week of the first trimester.
I woke up Monday morning. Thinking I had spilt something on my bed...
When I looked down and saw...I was devastated....

My partner had gone to work. I didn’t know what to do I just curled down in a ball and hugged my belly hoping everything was ok.

Later that day the ultrasound showed a sac with a little dot inside. No heart beat.
I was still hopeful but the blood tests showed the decrease and confirmed...

“It seems the pregnancy has stopped progressing”.

It was cold. It was without feeling. It was medically put.
I understand that. But it crushed me.
I still went through that entire pregnancy. Week by week I looked at what would have been.
Week by week I felt empty even after I fell pregnant again with my daughter Lacey.
I was pregnant with Lacey but still pregnant with Rose...if that makes sense.
With Lacey, I was paranoid the entire time, I didn't tell people till half way through. I was overly precautious. I wouldn’t do much I just wanted to keep still..

Each scan I went to, they would ask about the miscarriage.
They would say oh your 30 weeks, I would say no I am 20 weeks...
People felt that because I was pregnant again it meant I should be completely over my first baby and I shouldn’t dwell on that.

When May 6 came...right around mother’s day... it was hard. It still is...each year I take down the little box I put all her things in...with the tests and the socks..

A loss is a loss. Each pregnancy is real and never forgotten.

When Lacey was born my then partner said “you’re a mum now”

But to me,

I already was.