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So you know the little magnifying glass icon on the bottom of your Instagram feed? The one that helps you explore other IG users who have the same interests as you? Well exploring has been oh so dangerous for me. I swear the only thing on this feed (other than the random Kardashian pictures, don't judge me) are the sweetest, freshest, tiniest, ittiest bittiest babies. My ovaries are achin' over here. And we all know I need another kid like I need another dog, or another home project, or a garden - so in the spirit of remembering what it is actually like to have a child I've composed a little letter to that first time mom who is about to meet their own fresh little babe. Enjoy!

Dear {insert name here},

Congratulations! I hope you are feeling well and doing all that nesting business everyone talks about. My elephant trunks were not even about vacuuming or organizing near the end so go you if you have anything that resembles an ankle.

Have you gotten the random belly touches in the middle of the supermarket? How about the strangers who love to tell you their horrific blood bath birth stories? Trust me, more than likely yours will not be like that.

And don't worry if you feel like you haven't gotten enough advice yet. I've compiled some for you and am going to give it to you regardless if you want it.

Here is a list of advice/products that kept me from melting in to a ball of weepiness during the transition period of being pregnant to meeting my human for the first time.

1. Preggo Body Pillow - I am almost positive that the creators of the $50+ preggo body pillow are also the medical professionals who scare women shitless into strictly sleeping on their left sides for 10 months. Regardless, if you don't have one of these puppies, run, don't walk. I had The Snoogle and it did the trick. I will warn you, it is going to feel like a ménage a trios in your bed for the next couple of months but no doubt you will love that thing more than your husband. And let's be honest, no preggo wants to have sex after they pass the 36 week mark, am I right? (anyone who is arguing this is just using their husband to induce labor)

2. Target Nursing Sleep Bras: If you are going to breastfeed that sweet human of yours just know those sexy little things on your chest will no longer feel like your own. They belong to someone else until further notice. And until you find the courage to leave the house post baby you are not going to want to shove them in to your cute Vicky's bra so invest in some nursing sleep bras and keep it comfy. I have tried Le Leche League, Madela and Target brand nursing sleep bras and the Target win it every time. They are really comfortable, have some non disgusting patterns and provide enough support that you won't feel like you have udders – because that is what they are. Fun fact: Target nursing bras are the only remaining maternity/after baby clothing I still have around so i will not judge you if you just go out and buy these for every day wear.

3. Disposable Nursing Pads: Before I had Jettsen I did a lot of reading on breastfeeding and got really freaked out by people saying that disposable nursing pads will make your nipples hurt, blah, blah, blah. Could you imagine your nipples cracking and bleeding?! OMG!!!! Anyways, in order to avoid that life scarring event I bought some washable wool nursing pads from Etsy and it was the stupidest purchase I ever made - stupidest! All of a sudden I had these GIGANTIC boobs that I didn't know what to do with and then to make it worse I had to put coasters in my bra. Not. cute. Just trust me on this one and do yourself a favor and go with the fail proof. Disposable pads are easy, they won’t leak and you can throw the damn things away when you are done with them. Save the space in your washer for all the shit covered onsies you are about to wash.

4. Lactation Consultant: If you are going to try to breastfeed then make sure you let these heavenly boobie angels from above get all up in your business and help you. It's amazing how unnatural something so seemingly natural is. It's also amazing how much nipple a baby needs to get in their mouth.

Finally, and this is probably the most important -

5. Items from Hospital: I’m sure you are already aware of this (or maybe not, I dropped out of birthing class so I was not prepared) but your lady parts are going to hurt REAL BAD after you have that tiny human. Your nurses will stock your bathroom with a whole bunch of items that will help you with the pain and gore while you are in the hospital. Make sure you ask to take home a weeks worth of these items. The last thing you will want to do is drag your 3 day post preggo body to Walgreens to buy hemorrhoids pads, under-carriage spray and super-duper heavy flow pads.

But don't you worry your big ole' swollen ankles - you got this!