I told my husband last night that I was teary, and before I could stop it, I felt the tears flow. Since I was a child, I have never enjoyed the sun going down. I know that is something I should dig deeper into, but that is for another day..
Instead of stoping the tears, I started to talk about my feelings in an attempt to understand why I felt sad. I have a new house, healthy children, a great family. Why did I feel the way that I did? Where was my peace?
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As conversation continued, I allowed myself to say everything on my heart. Since March, I have felt like I have had no reason to be upset about COVID. It didn’t hurt my family like it had so many others. Sure, my anxiety took a hit for the worst, but my husband still had a job, food was always on my table. Who was I to be sad about things that were not important?
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That’s where I have been going, wrong folks. I played the comparison game, and I didn’t allow myself to be sad or feel. Because I didn’t - I went into a place of self-blame.
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Yesterday, I chose to wait until next Fall to send my kids back to school. It felt overwhelming; I was heartbroken that it would be so different. I felt like it was my fault that my kids would not have a Christmas program, I felt like it was my fault they would have to learn to social distance with their friends, I felt like it was my fault that I wouldn’t be able to walk my daughter into her first day of school, but simply wave her in at the door. I feel like I am failing as a mother because I can’t give my kids the life experiences that I think they should have, the memories they should have.
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After verbally expressing my emotions and feelings, I was guided out of the fog, and I was able to mourn what was lost and see truth about what life is now. It’s not my fault, and it’s okay to be sad.
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I told my husband it’s like the baby blues never left, but I think that is just motherhood. We love our children in ways that we ourselves will never understand. It’s the most overwhelming love I have ever experienced. The fires that I want to walk through to give my kids a good life.
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But we have to lay that burden down; it is not ours. It is my job to love my children, protect them, provide for them, but it is not my job to try and control the things that are out of my hands.
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So, last night after my tears, I planned a special trick or treat with carnival games at our house for my kids (just our family and a few special quarantine buddies) and took on the challenge of living in this new normal, but giving my kids the unforgettable memories that I want them to have as children.
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The moral of this story - it’s okay to feel whatever you are feeling. It’s not too big or too small. Maybe not everyone will care about your tears, but the ones who matter will. Keep pushing through, mommas! 2020 is going to make you a stronger mother than you ever imagined!

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