1. mix (a substance) with another substance so that they combine together as a mass.

   "blend the cornstarch with a tablespoon of water"
   
   

Simple, right? Mix a substance with another substance, so that, they combine together as a mass...and then are "blended".

But what happens when the substance you're mixing with, has previously been married, born children, and still has an active relationship with your husband...whom you share a "mass mix" with already?

Magic. That's what. Love. Opportunity. Peace. Joy. Adventure. Humor. Support. Friendship.

See...most of us have been domesticated to believe that once a family breaks up, and parents divorce, that our only choice is extreme division. Usually anger, hate, and rage. Ex-wife (mommy) must now hate ex-husband (daddy) and new partner (step-parent) must participate in taking sides. Men and women are broken down at the hands of each other, labeled and criticized for every imperfection that once was acceptable to their former partner. They are tossed into the category of "single mom" or "single dad" with a negative stigma of "damaged" swirling around them, provoking more anger at where they feel the other has forced them to be. We're told we must blame the other parent and be victimized, falling under the statistic of broken homes and broken relationships that follow patterns of emotional abuse and destruction for years. That although the intimate love has been physically and possibly legally divided, that we must now continue to wedge a greater divide with hurtful behavior towards one another and infect our children with toxic beliefs about their other creator. About the other human who gave them life...one that we once thought enough of, to share our bodies, emotions and possible future with. All the while, teaching these babes that love is hard, that love hurts and is hurtful, that love is breakable, foundations can crumble, and that it is okay to walk out in haste and hate, on the commitment made between two people in union, birth, and undoubtedly leave these children feeling walked out on, themselves.

For what? Selfish pride? Why? Immature jealousy? What good could possibly come from any patterns of thinking that roll in this direction. It can't feel good, and it doesn't. It can't create good, and it won't. It can't promote forward movement necessary to continuing to live life in a joyful, loving way, necessary for healing on all sides and within all hearts. What is the actual point of this behavior? With the exception of advocating for a child who legitimately may not be safe (which can still be, and should be, handled maturely and formally), what other circumstance would warrant any take-down or degradation of their other parent. Nothing. All attempts to do such things are clear signs that the offending person is thinking selfishly, unregulated emotionally, and clearly unable to hold up their end of the commitment to raise this or these babes with their best interests held as a priority.

It's not about you. Let that sink in for a minute. It is not about you. The relationship that was about you has ended. It is gone. It is now about keeping the agreement you made when you created together, to raise a healthy, whole and happy child. To love them, to support them, to grow them, to build them up to know kindness, joy, happiness, love and strength. Just because it didn't work out for you, doesn't mean that you get to quit on your creation. It doesn't mean that you get to rip apart the wound with more hurt. No matter what. If there are no safety concerns, and your child has the opportunity to continue to love and build a relationship with your partner and possibly their significant other...you are obligated to support that. You must support that. You should WANT to support that.

"But Sarah, she doesn't parent the way I do. My kid came home exhausted and covered in Cheeto dust"...great. Get over it. Your child came home safe, and most likely with a smile on her face because she doesn't get Cheetos at your house. Get right over it. "But Sarah, I can't stand her new boyfriend and hate hearing my child excited about him." Why? Because she has one more heart loving her and caring for her, and now her mother too? One more opportunity to be loved and shown affection? Are you crazy? Let it go. Get over it. If she's excited about a significant other, be excited for her. How wonderful to be so loved. "But Sarah, my child is unhappy when she has to go for visits to her other parent." Why? Does she feel safe? Does she have unknown needs that aren't being met? Have you communicated in a civil manner her concerns or legitimate needs with the other parent if necessary? And how about you...is she potentially feeling what is actually YOUR dissatisfaction, or anxiety about her going and it is manifesting through her? Is she trying to pacify you because she thinks she has to act un-excited to avoid hurting you? Once again...it's not about you. Clearly concentrate on that, and remove any action or emotion that you may be putting on your child about visiting. REMOVE YOURSELF AND BE PRESENT FOR HER SO SHE HAS A SAFE SPACE TO FEEL HER ACTUAL EMOTIONS, and go from there to identify the real issue if there is one.

It is tough to be wired in the expected behavior patterns we are told or pressured to follow after this type of ending. To be a child that was raised inside of this exact circumstance, and attempt to grow into a whole, happy, healthy adult, able to maintain valid and positive emotional relationships, is nearly impossible. It breeds brokenness, issues with trust, intimacy, abandonment, security, personal success, and feelings of unworthiness. It breeds fear, and blinds to what love actually is, and can be, no matter what ends. I know. I watched the "take-down" of my parents at the hands of each other. I watched the energy and passion that I needed from them to grow, be used to wage war against the exact love that supposedly built me. The love that created me. Where does that leave me? What am I then? Who am I then? When that necessary formative love is taken and used negatively against all I know and believe in...how, as a child, do I learn about love?

I felt alone. I felt afraid. I felt abandoned. I felt pressured. I felt sad, angry, unworthy, hopeless...devastated. Broken. It continued for many years. It continued to seep into every second of my day and every thought that formed my belief pattern and core values. It greatly harmed me, and still, in very deep corners of my heart, I feel an ache of longing to have just known healthy love and parents, so I could have just been a kid. To have just been given what I was promised when I was created by two people who chose for me to exist.

I guess that's why we're here...because now, the choice is mine. For so many years I was shown how to act, or react when my marriage ended. I was shown what to do when children were involved, and how to artfully construct a take-down. But, when the time came...I found myself confused. I found myself staring at my son, and even at my ex-husband and not wanting to take anyone down. I found myself wanting more for my child, and considering that although I was feeling hurt by the dissolution, that I had created a child, with a human I loved, and I felt no hate for. I felt fear of being alone, sure. I felt sadness of our intimacy and marriage being over, of course. But stronger than that, I felt a desire for our son to be healthy. To still know that although love looked differently between mommy and daddy, that we were still just as strong in our commitment to him, our creation, as the day we first held him in our arms. To know that I respected his father, empowered him to grow our child in his own ways, and he did the same for me. To know that no matter what, we would both show up, be accountable to his life and raising, and caretake every single need he could have...so that...he could just be a kid. So that he didn't have to fear, feel alone, feel abandoned, grow with feelings of unworthiness, anger, sadness, and unnecessary insecurity. So that he could just grow.

Has it been easy. No. Has it been perfect. No. Has it been worth it. Yes. A thousand times over. Our children are happy, are supported endlessly, and are growing to know real love. Our family has blended beautifully, and each parent and their contribution is crucial to the commitment we have made to see these babes through life. Everyday, we have opportunities to share in the joy of each other, and no matter which home our children are in, we know that someone with their best interests at heart, is giving them the energy and passion they need to be whole human beings. It has opened so many doors for us all. There is so much freedom in parenting jointly and effectively, and it relieves so much pressure to be what society thinks you have to be. We are accepting of each other's differences, we communicate needs and appreciation, and greatest of all, we are free to love each other without fear of take-down. We can succeed and fail. We can stumble and take great strides. We can vent, crumble, or be crushed by the weight of how difficult life and parenting is, knowing that we have people to pick us up, dust us off, and get us back in the game to be THE BEST FOR OUR KIDS. Blended. We are blended, but our kids don't even know what that means...they just see a family who's chosen love. That's all. We are women, men, and parents who want more for our kids and ourselves. Humans who truly believe that the cycle society wants us to participate in, and feeds off, is wrong. We have set the example and will continue to, together, for what commitment really looks like.

Simply put...we are many substances...combined together...to make a mass. We are blended. A mass that we know has already changed lives and will continue to. One that will be the NEW example, and eliminate the previous cycle of emotional toxicity and harm. One that society will embrace and accept, to build families that are strong. Families that, no matter their circumstance or previous situation, can produce and grow humans with clear hearts and kind visions of love and family.

Blended...blessed...beyond grateful.

One Love.