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Who ever said there was a “right” way to raise a child?? Look around. How many well-adjusted adults do you know?

I’d say the guy who grew up in the convent has about as good a chance at making it in life as the guy whose parents gave him everything and doted on him with love and compliments. But that is just my take on it.

I am a “parent,” I have two little ones that appear to be in male bodies, who both, at one time were growing inside of my belly. Some would argue that makes me somehow responsible for them and how they “turn out.” To a certain extent I agree. But I would also like to argue for both of them, and all of the other “little people” out there – big or small, they are people just the same. As soon as you can have ideas and opinions of your own, I think it is valid that you get the opportunity to try them out.

Perhaps we’ve had this “parenting” thing all backwards. We think we are “oh so blessed” to have a baby and bring up a child, to teach them, love them and support them until they can “make it on their own.” Well, something feels crazily backwards and upside down about this. I mean, after all, these little ones are coming from where?? To us, poor crazy, mostly messed up bigger people who remember vaguely (most of us) a much more jovial time free of cares, when we were say….smaller?

What exactly have we “learned” after all these years that is of any real benefit to the next generation?? Perhaps we have stories to share (or maybe that we’d rather not) about how many mistakes we, and the entire human population have made over the years, and we don’t want to see them repeat the same ones….and so we teach  them??? Hmmmmmm isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result? I seem to remember a great teacher some time ago saying something like “and a little child shall lead them.”

I know there’s a big ego to jump over to get to this one….but what if the “little” ones actually know more about how to live than we do?? (I hardly think I am the first “grown-up” who has had this thought). But really, what if we gave them the respect we have been asking for all this time, and sat back to see what they had to teach us?….what if the tables turned, I wonder how things would turn out?

Unschooling

Not too long ago I came upon a theory of child-rearing called “un-schooling.” I had never heard of it before, but the “un-schoolers,” I believe, have stumbled upon somewhere close to the idea that I am talking about – that of letting the children lead.

It is common in un-schooling practice to not restrict bedtime, eating habits or television viewing, but to instead let the child dictate their own behavior and to find when they are hungry, tired and ready for more learning.

At first thought this may sound like neglectful parenting, but how many of us can say that we truly benefitted from being made to eat our broccoli at dinner time and going to bed by 7pm? On the other hand, how many of us feel as though we have turned out pretty good despite the years of soap opera watching we did in our youth? What? With all that brain-rotting behavior you should be an idiot-loser, should you not?? My point is, that each one of us, big or small, comes with an instinctual “knowing” – if you will, and internal meter, hunch, intuition that says when we have had “too much” of anything. I know I have seen it in my children many times. 

Now, sure, when looking at these other beings as smaller humans, sometimes we "bigger" people have to set boundaries so we do not feel our rights being infringed upon while we allow the smaller people to find a rhythm that suits them, and us. Often times, since we have "walked that way" before, suggestions are offered and even helped to be implemented for the sanity and safety of all involved, but for many things, like eating habits, natural instincts take care of the consequences.

The Bees Please

When my oldest son was four, a friend of mine once brought over a large container of raw honey. We love raw honey in our home and are aware of its many health benefits alone and as an alternative to refined sugar. As a general rule, we don’t eat white sugar, we choose other sweeteners as a preference. This one particular day my friend asked my son if he would like some honey. My son said yes, of course he would – with much excitement, and my friend dished up a bowl full of the stuff. Now, I am a fan of honey too, but it is sweet and there is only so much a person can handle. Without saying anything, I watched my son excitedly spoon down several gulps of honey. Smile, dance around….and then 5 minutes or so passed….he was then suddenly declaring he was done with the honey and that his stomach hurt.

Case and point. He did not want honey for the next 3 days. After that, he was interested in only a small portion of honey. His choice.

Another time (actually on more than one occasion) I got out chocolate bars for breakfast. Now this is a bit of a cheat from what you think, because I actually make my own raw chocolate – with all natural sweeteners such as coconut nectar, so this is a very healthy – though delicious chocolate bar. But we got it out for breakfast and without a word, my son started to eat – very happy for this chance to eat such a breakfast.

Now, I quite often like to enjoy a few bites of raw chocolate for breakfast with a cup of hot homemade chai (a lovely spicy tea drink). I consider it a treat, as for me, growing up chocolate was always limited – and is likely one big reason why I got into making it. My son, however, has pretty much had access to chocolate most of his life. He didn’t get but halfway through the bar and was asking for something else. He had determined that it was too sweet and he needed hot cereal or something. Great, I got him a bowl.

Later that evening we were finishing dinner and my son has become quite accustomed to getting a “treat” of some kind after dinner. We happened to have a fresh bunch of carrots from the farmers market on the counter that we had been snacking on from time to time throughout the day – so when my son asked what his treat would be – I coyly responded “carrots?!” Just to see what he would say (it never hurts to suggest what you’d really like to see them eating). He came back with a much excited “YES” and ate down a whole bowl before bedtime.

Now who says carrots don’t make good dessert??

What is resisted...yes, it persisted

I truly believe that it was the restrictions placed on us as children that have created the addictions and cravings that we have today. What if chocolate or dessert were always available? What if you could eat whatever, whenever you wanted?! I dare to say that after the initial period of eating all the junk you could handle, there would be an eventual evening out – and it would start to become more clear what your body was really wanting, therefore eating more often the healthier option.

How many of us have cooked an entire tray of brownies but after they were gone didn’t want to see anything sweet in the house again for weeks?? The body can only tolerate so much. And though many adults have become desensitized to the body’s cravings, likes/dislikes etc, most children can still hear that inner voice that says when they have had enough. Some days both of my sons will just eat the same thing all day – avocado for instance. My youngest could go all day eating only avocado, nothing else, and then not want it again for weeks. My older used to do the same when he was younger. Is there something wrong with that? Perhaps our bodies are designed to handle foods in this way more than the way we feed them – so much to breakdown and break apart. Just a thought.

So, as a “big” person, now hanging out with two littler people, doing my best to lead them in the way of listening to their inner voice of truth, I am finding it more and more desirable to let go of my need to control them, and let them lead the way. I am not always perfect at this. The instinctual “mother” in me sometimes wants to make rules and gets impatient with “childish” ways. But, when I do drop my need to “parent” and instead find myself in “their” world, suddenly I am transported back to being a kid, and life gets a lot more playful. Who couldn’t benefit from a little more play time?

Time-out verses "meditation"

Sometimes it is just in the wording, you know? Like when the energy starts to get really intense, and a high-potency disagreement is coming on, and you know you don't want to go into the "time-out" scenario, but you really don't see another way out of this thing without losing your cool? Been there a thousand times or more. Really.

My seven year old is very much his own person and though we used to really get along when he was 3, 4, 5, suddenly he is less cooperative and more determined to have different thoughts and I am sure this is totally normal, but more often than not, buttons - all - pushed. I can feel myself peeling away from my stable center, and the truth is, he doesn't need a time-out as much as I do. It's always more of a punishment for me if he is meant to endure some sort of disciplinary act anyway....so, I thought I'd try enacting meditation time, rather than time-outs.

Guess what. It not only works so much better...it feels so much more empowering, liberating and positive to say "it's time we both take a meditation break and reconvene" than blowing your top,  In this way, he and I both know that we don't agree and we need some time to process. He doesn't think I am harping on him or punishing him and we both come out of it getting some much needed alone time.

The fact of the matter is, there is always a more relaxed and respectful way of doing things when we look at these people in our homes as other humans, and not just "kids." For all intents and purposes, they are people, just like us, and they definitely know a few things more than we could imagine.

I'll finish with this example:

My oldest, when he was 4 years old, started hysterically crying one night that he didn't want to go to bed. I couldn't understand him, he wasn't making any sense. I could have, on a "bad" night, just made him go to bed and plowed through the fuss to the point where I simply got my way and he was sleeping, but without learning anything, resolving anything or uncovering any mystery. I sat down with him and attempted to get to the root of what was going on. He must have continued on for ten minutes or more and I could easily have gotten frustrated if I had not been taking care of myself with my own personal self-care routines (a whole other topic). 

Finally, he starts talking, though making absolutely no sense about how he was going to have to leave me soon, and I couldn't go, and he was scared...and to be honest, I started to be a little scared too that he might be "predicting" or "feeling" something serious...but I stuck with him. I asked him why I couldn't go, and where he would be going? After some hesitation, but seeing that I was listening, he started to reveal the most incredible "little person" message I have ever received from the smalls.

He proceeded to tell me of this other dimension which he had visited and even lived in before he was in his body. He told me how it rained "golden light" there and that you didn't need to eat there, or go to the bathroom, or blow your nose, or do chores or anything. He said if you went there, you could see through things, like the engine in cars, and your bones. He told me that anything you took there would glow this golden light, such as your your phone or food, even though you didn't need food. He said you didn't need food because it rained this golden light that fed you.

The tale continued, though no four year old I have ever known could make up something as rich and elaborate as he was concocting and I felt that he must really know something I did not. I felt honored and humbled at hearing this very precious story from my little. He felt able to trust me with his wisdom. I felt him feeling me believe in him. When he was nearing the end of his descriptions I managed to persuade him to know that maybe I could go there sometime, or maybe I could visit somewhere nearby and he wouldn't have to go alone. He even took a moment to pause in quiet as if to check in if what I said was right. In the end, he calmed down and told me that his guide had talked to him as he used to always do and that he felt more relaxed. 

After ending the session with his small hands pressed together volunteering "Harmony and Grace" as his closing words, followed by "We Did It!" I really felt that we had...though I didn't know what, I just knew that I had succeeded in listening to my little, and he felt heard. 

Parenting, by its very title can feel heavy. It is a process of trial and error. However, cohabitating with other “smaller” humans, with opinions, feelings and insights seems a lot more doable than "parenting" sometimes, and fun too.
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Something to consider anyway. I would love your feedback.

Images and article by Stasia Bliss