Dear TikTok youths,

Let me talk to you for a minute because I’ve been hearing some things—

Some very TROUBLING things and I can’t stay silent any longer. No, I actually refuse to stay silent any longer because silence means acceptance and I have had about ENOUGH.
So, you think millennials are old now because we wear skinny jeans and have side parts in our hair?

You think we’re “outdated” because we don’t give our spouses scrunchies to wear on their wrists and start breaking out in strange dance moves in a Target parking lot?

Well, let me just set the record straight here. Because as a millennial myself (90’s baby right here, ya’ll), I can tell you that those things absolutely don’t make us old.

Nope. Not. At. All.

However, let me just tell you things that make me, as a millennial, feel old:

1. Having Advil bottles in different locations. Yep, I have a purse Advil, a bedside table Advil, and a diaper bag Advil. That makes me feel old.

2. Sneezing wrong and pulling a muscle in my neck or sleeping funny and my body just hurts for weeks.

3. Getting excited over an air fryer.

4. Driving by a home with realllllyyyy nice landscaping and saying out loud (to myself, most likely) “wow, what beautiful landscaping!”

5. Finding joy in not having to socialize.

6. A nice throw blanket that I only buy because it coordinates perfectly with my couch.

7. Having an insane amount of throw pillows and decorative pillows on my bed.

8. Becoming an insane plant lady.

9. Feeling lost when my chapsticks get switched around (ex: my car chapstick becomes my bedside table chapstick because my purse chapstick became my car chapstick)

10. Also feeling lost when they change the layout of my favorite grocery store.

11. Wanting my home to permanently smell like a Kirkland’s store.

And this is just an abbreviated list.

So listen, kids, leave us alone. You don’t even know how unbelievably awesome it is to be a millennial.

I’m sorry that you missed out on the Spice Girls, the neverending debate of the better boy band between N*SYNC and Backstreet Boys (team N*SYNC here), and Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century, but don’t take that out on us.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my skinny jeans are feeling a little tight right now.

Love,
A very tired Barbie Girl living in a Barbie world