Do you know the type of parent I thought I'd be during a pandemic?

I'm not her.

I'm screwing up at every turn and barking at the big and little ones I love.

I haven't been this witchy since it all started, but as we inch our way towards month four of living this new socially distanced, hermit-esque, minimally outside of the home lifestyle, I'm becoming more and more of a donkey, and it's starting to show.

It's wholly unintentional.

The kind of mother I would expect myself to be during a global health pandemic is one who is

present,

engaged,

innovative,

organized,

methodical,

purposeful,

mindful,

hope-filled,

happy,

and grateful.

Instead, I have found myself struggling.

To do it all.

To be it all.

To do it all and be at all with barely a break.

And then I wonder why I find it all so challenging.

But here's why...

in addition to keeping my three children safe, healthy, and happy,

I worry about whether we as a family are doing enough (sometimes by not doing the things we want) to keep others safe, and whether others are doing the same for us.

Then there's the house cleaning, keeping up with everyone's laundry, tending to our dog, and all of the freakin' cooking and cleaning that five humans home for every meal requires.

The heavy of this new normal really weighed on me today.

I'm also confused by what I see and how it conflicts with what I read about and how many of the articles I read conflict with one another.

It's bewildering and scary, and on this day, it brought me down a little — my mood and my behavior.

But realizing that,

taking the time to recognize my awareness of it,

acknowledging it,

having a conversation with myself and others about it,

it gets me a small step closer to the type of parent I want to be during a pandemic.

One that is imperfect, but honest,

authentic and, when she needs to be, apologetic.

One that is trying and never stops.

One that regularly gives grace to herself and those around her.

I'm not 'killin' it' as a mom, wife, or human these days, but I also haven't given up, and that IS the type of parent I should be during a pandemic -- one who stays the course even without a map.