“Dreading a due date after miscarriage."
You see, I have googled that exact sentence before.
5 months later the world, even my world, continued to spin around. It had not come to a halt like I thought it might. I had started to heal. My husband diligently worked to purge the mail and email of the reminders and updates I had signed up for to track my pregnancy. I allowed myself days and weeks to not even consider how far along I should be, or what milestone I should be hitting. People announcing their pregnancies no longer elicited bitterness (Sorry about that guys). I had survived.
It was supposed to be a month of ending and a month of beginning. A highly anticipated month after 2 years of infertility. Boxes of free samples began to showup at our door as I had eagerly enrolled in several online promotions at the start of pregnancy. Hubs was caught hiding all the formula and diaper samples in the guest room dresser. Gerber, Pampers, Huggies, and Similac were all kind enough to send "Congratulations on New Baby"cards.
I dreaded the end of April. Because I knew my April was suppose to be different. As April 31 arrived, I retreated away from friends and family. I was unfairly angry at them as they were falsely condemned for not remembering this date (and sorry about that too).
"This was NOT MY APRIL!"
April had come and gone. I had been robbed.
Should Be's and Suppose To's are one of the many thieves that appear after a miscarriage. They sneak around grabbing moments with- I "should be " finding out the sex today or I am "suppose to be" greeting my baby today. They are quick to injure as we yell out, "This is not how it is suppose to be!" And I think it is ok to allow ourselves that cry. It is ok to allow yourself a chance to re-grieve as this dooming due date approaches.
I let the Should Be's and Suppose To's rob April from me.
Contrary to how I felt for several months, I did not deserve or give myself a miscarriage. I might always wonder how differently my life might look today and I do not believe "it was for the best". I still struggle analyzing the suppose to's or should be's. But I do believe that God redeemed the loss. He redeemed April and used it to bring me May.
In May, we said yes to move forward with adoption and 7 months later we met our son, Carter Vadim- who get this- had the SAME birth date as our due date in April.
It might not be how it was supposed to be but it was, indeed, redeemed in a beautiful way. May you find the space and grace to grieve your dreaded should be’s and supposed to’s and may somehow soon, you find a little redemption.