Today I woke and decided to be the best parent ever. Waffles for breakfast sure— they are just the frozen kind. Not ready for school yet and don’t want to feel rushed? Walk on your own when you are ready.

I can’t stop thinking about pizza and coke, but I could really go for a beer, a strong wine, perhaps some of the vodka I bought at Target.

Today I just want to sit next to my kids a little longer, hold them a little tighter, and listen a little better. I want to cuddle and take pictures.

I want them look at me. I want them to see me. If they say she was mean and a little crazy, that is ok, as long as they all agree I loved them beyond measure. If they felt like they could count on me, if I made the world a little safer, if they felt valued, and loved then today would be a good day.

if they don’t mind Taco Tuesday being Taco Thursday, and realize I am doing all I can even if I can’t do it all. I don’t make every game but I make sure they are at every game. I taught my oldest to make spaghetti. It isn’t complicated, it isn’t hard, but my mom taught me so I taught my son.

i know what today is, but I also don’t. it is around now. Is it today, tomorrow, or was it yesterday? It is a feeling. it is blank space that feels desolate, a nagging at the back of my mind, it is an extra coke and maybe a snickers. It is a rush of memories and forgetting her voice. It is growing up too fast and missing my mommy.

She never got to see me be a mother, but today I hope to be the best mother ever to honor her. Even if being the best mother means I yell out, “Hey you kid, whatever your name is, get over here.” It also means I will walk each child up to bed, give them a kiss, and rub in the kisses they give me so a part of them will be with me always.

I am hardly perfect, but I am doing my best. Speaking from experience, I promise it is the trying they remember, not the failing.