To the mom who showers at night,

That's when you find the time, right?

Which, of course, isn't every day.

(Gasp) She doesn't shower every day?

Nope.

Secret's out.

Oh well.

But, you, the woman like me -- who must aim to adhere to a pretty rigid schedule in order to make time for such self-care -- do you ever lay in bed with your child who just can’t/won’t fall asleep and you feel like if they don’t drift off to la la land in the next few minutes that you very well may bang your head against a wall in dismay, protest or merely to surrender?

That’s happening to me right now; not the head banging (though I’m awfully close) but the child not sleeping.

Thankfully, this not going down easily thing doesn’t happen often.

But, with three under the age of seven, each needing my husband and me to lay with them to go nighty-night, it’s seriously enough to drive a person mad.

And, speaking of mad, that’s how it makes me feel.

Ugh, that hurts to write — to divulge I actually get mad at my children and not even for disrespect or defiance but for being unable to fall asleep on cue.

Yet, sadly, it’s the truth.

I suck.

Still, truth mom will tell you that when it’s creeping upon nine pm and I've already been in my child's room for an hour trying to get her to fall asleep and she just can’t/won’t shut it down — it makes me upset.

It makes me want to lose my shiitake when I think about the time that is being stolen from me; time with which I could

take a scorching hot shower,

couch potato it up,

Netflix and wine,

write,

peruse social media,

or (my favorite), eat.

It’s embarrassing, but it’s honest.

Mommy has been ON all freakin' day long, and when it's after, say eight o' clock, and I have yet to shower or have any quiet time to myself, I turn from frump to grump -- that's not a far jump, but still.

The three hours to myself -- untouched and unneeded -- between 8:30 pm to 11:30 pm (at which time the two-year-old beckons me to bed for consistent cuddles) is necessary for my survival which of course, is essential for everybody's.

Tonight my seven-year-old couldn't fall asleep, and after almost a 1.5 hr attempt to get her to nod off, I tapped out and tagged in my husband.

Now, here I sit, feeling guilty.

Guilty that I barked at her to "Go to bed!"

Embarrassed that I lost my cool while she was losing precious sleep, to no fault of her own.

Sad that I couldn't find the strength within me to try soft singing or loving caresses to help her along.

Disappointed that I "gave up" and gave in to my selfishness and required my husband to take my place.

But this is all a part of motherhood; a critical bit.

The give and the take.

Sometimes the give and the give.

And, occasionally, after so much giving, maybe some back to back taking.

You will feel guilt, and you will feel frustration. You will absolutely feel plenty of both.

But, there will be nights where you feel less inclined to tend to your obvious self-care needs and recognize that the real self-care mommy needs is being delivered in the form of closeness and extended snuggles from one of your children.

To the mom who showers at night whose child won't fall asleep --

Take it from me and try, simply try to accept that although you may not get your desired (and probably necessary) shower soak this evening, you are fortunate to have the chance to soak up your children while they still want to be showered in your constant love and affection.