Everything was perfect with my first pregnancy all the way up until 20 weeks when our son, Felix, was measuring behind. At my 24 week ultrasound with maternal fetal medicine specialists, Felix was measuring even further behind and we got the diagnosis of severe iugr. I was admitted on bedrest for monitoring, and I received steroid shots and was told chances of survival of Felix being born at 24 weeks was just 30%. They were doing a growth scan every 2 weeks. Somehow, against odds, we made it to 34 weeks when Felix became in distress, his heart rate decelerating, and they decided to do an emergency c section. Felix weighed 2lb 6oz at 34 weeks when he was born. He was put on cpap for 6 days to help him not get tired out of breathing. I got lucky, and I was able to kangaroo care with him later that night! That moment I longed for, and it was pure bliss.

Felix was in the NICU for 6 weeks, (42 days), and he improved with something most of the days! He was under bilirubin lights for 3 days and it was a little milestone when he was done with that! He hated the goggles he had to wear and the lights made me have limited kangaroo care with him, so once that was over it was a little milestone! Then he was off cpap after 6 days and it was so great to see his face better, even though he had a nasal cannula on. Weight gains were other great milestones.

The first day he got to be out of an isolette and wearing clothes was my favorite milestone! It meant that I was allowed to hold him and kangaroo care way more often!

With the help of a nipple shield and a great lactation team, Felix and I learned to breastfeed! However it became a disappointment when we realized he couldn't gain weight on just breastmilk alone, and they kept upping the high calorie formula intake, and I realized exclusively breastfeeding him was probably not in the cards for us. Felix learned to take bottles well, and it was such a great day when they took his feeding tube out!

However, there were challenges. He didn't get weaned from the oxygen... and is now home on oxygen still. It's so heartbreaking knowing my child, at 3 months/1.5 months adjusted still can't breathe completely on his own. It, along with being born early and not getting any of my antibodies from the womb, makes us completely isolated from the rest of the world this entire winter. Because if he gets sick, it's a trip to the hospital again.

But even with so much isolation and protection, my preemie still got sick. 3 days ago, seemingly out of nowhere, Felix turned blue and limp, and wasn't breathing. I did cpr, chest compressions and rescue breaths, and in the longest 45 seconds of my life, Felix came back with a weak cry. He was in the hospital for 2 nights while they determined what went wrong, and we found out a simple cold virus mimicking rsv caused this terrifying episode.

I quickly learned that being a preemie mom meant that I was not only a mom to a baby but also his caretaker and protector, and it meant lots of prayers that he would stay alive and out of the critical zone. I wear many hats, and I am my sons advocate. He is super tough and brave, and he needs me to be equally so.

But I remind myself of 2 things. 1.) you can handle anything in the present moment, it's the future that scares us. And 2.) For reasons I will never know, I was blessed with raising this beautiful miracle in the making.