Our now 6.5- year old was born at 30 weeks and 3 days. He weighed just under 3.5 pounds. I remember clearly being scared and overwhelmed, especially at the beginning. Not knowing the outcome of our time in the NICU was hard each day (especially for a Type-A goal-setting kind of person like me). You are in control of so little in the NICU, so as a mom you focus on pumping and being present. You enjoy the moments like kangaroo care and learn how to care for your child in the simple moments like changing a diaper and giving your child a bath.

We had the best-case scenario while in the NICU. Our child thrived in and after the NICU and continues to today as well. He is athletic, smart, social, and all-around great kid. He has been a mover and a shaker since the day he was born. We are thankful for the small and huge miracles.

No question that the NICU was the hardest moment of motherhood. I know my friends struggled with what to say and do when our son was in the NICU for 40 days.

While we celebrate preemies this November, I’m sharing 10 tips for those of you who might have family or friends with children in the NICU so that you have ideas on how to help:

• Go to the hospital and give them a hug. Don’t assume you can see their baby, but offer a big hug in the hospital lobby. And, if you do stay for a while with mom or dad, simply be. Let mom or dad take the lead on talking or simply sitting.
• If you want to take something to the hospital, make sure you say that no thank you note is necessary and be sincere about this:
  • If you want to take something for their child, take preemie clothing. Their preemie will be able to wear clothes at some point and it can be really hard to find preemie stuff when that time comes. Consider taking a book. I spent loads of time reading to my child, so new books were greatly appreciated.
  • Do not take items for their child that will live in the NICU. That is a no-no in many NICUs.
  • Take something for your friend like pre-packaged easy-to-care snacks. Consider giving hand lotion (no fragrance). You wash your hands a lot in the NICU and your hands can become raw. Take something that mom or dad can use as a simple luxury at home. Face mask. Foot soak. Favorite body wash.

• Consider taking lunch to the hospital, but don’t expect to stay. Offer to eat together, but don’t be offended if the offer is declined.
• Consider taking something on behalf of your friend to the nurses. As a mom of a preemie, I took treats to the nurses a few times and it was greatly appreciated. It would have been great to not have to worry about it, but to have it still happen on our behalf.
• Create a calendar to help coordinate meals and specific errands/tasks for the family. Someone set up a Care Calendar for me that was a life-saver. https://www.carecalendar.org/
• Offer to babysit their other child(ren). I cannot imagine trying to do everything at the NICU and having a child at home to care for.
• Take the family dinner. If there isn’t a calendar set up, offer to coordinate with a few other families. If you’re long distance, there are companies that deliver already prepared meals. I had a friend specifically get lunch stuff for my husband who was back to work, so that I wouldn’t have to worry about it. That way he didn’t spend time away from the office for lunch and could get to the hospital earlier in the day. Small gesture with a huge impact.
• Do specific tasks a specific day each week or for a week. Walk the dog. Take out the trash. Manage pool maintenance. Grocery shop, using a list from the family. Tidy up the house, even if it’s one bathroom. If you have money and not time, get a group together and pay for a housekeeper every few weeks until after baby comes home. D
• Do something related to the baby at home while the family is in the NICU. Make a crib. Help finish putting together the nursery. Do the final prep for the baby going home. You aren’t necessarily given a lot of notice before you take your baby home, so it can be overwhelming to prep a nursery when caring for your child in the NICU.
• Ask what mom or dad needs. Keep asking, even when the whole family goes home.

Moms who have had a baby in the NICU, is there anything you found really helpful that you would add? Or maybe you had a friend in the NICU and something you did made a difference. We’d love to hear.