I spend hours, days, weeks, wondering what my life would be like without kids.

It's true.

It's embarrassing, as a mom, but it's true.

Don't take this the wrong way, I LOVE my daughter. But sometimes it becomes too much. We all need a break.

We are super lucky to have both of our families so close, and we have the access to a LOT of help, and i'll never be grateful enough, but I still wonder.

Like, what would I do with all my extra time? With free hands?

I look at old pictures and think about how CLEAN my house used to look.

But then I get small glimpse of it, and it literally makes me feel more empty than ever before.

Tonight I dropped my daughter off with her grandparents TWO. HOURS. EARLY.

And I had no idea what to do with myself. I sat down with a glass of wine, and watched my usual sit-com on Netflix. I looked around at the toys all over my floor, and the finger print smudges on my sliding glass doors. Saw the sippy cup that I forgot to bring to her grandparents house.

I was finally alone, but all I could think about was what she was doing.

While I am a FULL supporter of self care as a mom, sometimes that comes in the form of snuggling up with your baby, watching Frozen for the 300th time this week.

I don't miss my life before her.

I don't miss sitting on my couch, surrounded by a clean house, watching whatever I wanted on the TV, and falling asleep when I was a normal amount of tired.

What I DO miss is how she throws every single toy on the ground in her own personal way of learning the world around her. I miss her smudging her fingers on the sliding door to see what dad is up to outside. I miss watching her be a great mommy to her baby dolls, because she learned it all from me. I miss how she climbs all over me like a jungle gym because she just wants to be close to me.

You see, we spend forever trying to get “back to us” and trying to “find ourselves” again after we have children, but this IS who we are now. We are not the same, and that’s OKAY!

My life would be empty without her. She makes my heart grow every time I see her face, and I would NEVER trade this life as her mom for anything.

I am ME because of HER.

-Amanda @ mommaeverafter.com