Five years ago, my pregnancy ended before I got a chance to hold my son. He had one of the most common chromosome disorders.

Trisomy 21, also known as Down syndrome.

I’ve heard a wide range of comments and opinions when people learn this fact about our unborn son. One that sticks out to me the most is, “At least it was decided for you. You didn’t have to make a choice.”

But to me, there wasn’t a choice to be made. I was the one chosen, and my son was very much prayed for and wanted. And because of that, I’m not at all thankful that my trisomy 21 pregnancy ended in miscarriage. That’s not the way I would have chosen for my story to go. I would not have cut his story short, even if I had known the facts up front.

A trisomy 21 son would have, no doubt, been life changing. We would have had to alter so much about our lives. But thankful is not how I view how my pregnancy ended.

That was my son. Not just a pregnancy.

I didn’t dodge a bullet by not meeting my son. On the contrary, my heart was broken without meeting him.

I would have embraced his extra chromosome with my whole heart. My oldest would have been the most caring big brother to his special needs sibling. My husband and I would have dove deep into learning everything we could about how to provide a limitless life for our son. We would have surrounded ourselves with a wonderful community of families with trisomy 21 success stories. We would have raised money and awareness for others in our shared experience.

In many ways, I will always feel a pull toward those communities. I am drawn to families with Down syndrome kids. Because it wasn’t almost our story. It IS our story. We just only lived it as a pregnancy. But he is very much a part of my story and a part of our family.

Related story: 21 things parents wish they had known about raising a child with Down syndrome

Because of my son in heaven, I will make it my Mama mission to raise his earthly brothers to have a special place in their hearts saved for others blessed with that extra chromosome. I will raise them to be EXTRA accepting and EXTRA kind and EXTRA inviting to those EXTRA chromosomes too.

No matter how short we had him with us here, he made a huge impact on us. So I’m not thankful that pregnancy ended in miscarriage. My story is how it should be. That baby has two little brothers I would have never had the honor to meet, had my story ended differently. But I would have never chosen to have that pregnancy end the way it did.

So I’m sad and changed, but anything but thankful.

For more stories like these and info about my new children’s book, “Be,” follow along at RaisingHumbleHumans.com or on FB @raisinghumblehumans

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