The only difference between having a child and a mother-in-law who enjoys pointing out your flaws and under-achievements is that the child never leaves. They are a constant reminder of your aging body, lack of patience, and inadequate parenting skills. And without a good sense of humor, you will never stand a chance at raising them without raising a glass —of wine!

Below are some highlights from conversations I have had with my daughter over the past several years. There were many, MANY more, but these are the ones that made me smile the hardest. If nothing else, this might encourage parents to grab a pen and laugh along. We're all in this thing together... Might as well have a good time!

"Mommy... How do you spell smart?"

"You should SEE how much glitter I just put all over Sadie!"

(Where’s your sense of humor?) “I think I left it at the house.”

“Guess what? Me and Daniele fixed the fence on the playground at school today!” (How’d ya do that?) “With Duct tape.”

"Are witches real?” (Well, I’M a witch.) “No, you’re not!” (Sure I am. Just go ask your father.)

"The difference between you and your friend Colleen is that SHE hit a pole with her car and YOU hit a pole with your face!’

(You'd better straighten up or I'm canceling Halloween this year. And wipe that smug look off of your face!) "How else will you know how I am feeling?"

"Can you put my Halloween costume in my backpack today?" (Why?) "In case I need it." (You're not a REAL superhero.) "Just do it!"

“Daddy, how many months are in twelve weeks?” (Well, if you take...) —“Without complicating it?!”

"MOM!" (What?) "The kitty fell in the toilet!" (Is she out?) "Yes." (Then why is it my problem?) "I forgot to flush!"

(Don't lose that ticket.) "How much would we win?" (Like a kabillion dollars.) "More like katwo dollars!"

"Daddy still has 220 more pages to read in HIS book!" (That's a lot.) "Yeah... By the time he finishes, he'll probably be (like) 54!"

"Mommy?" (Yes.) "You look OLDER than 47" (Thanks. That doesn't hurt my feelings at all.) "Sorry. I just meant that your ELBOWS look old."

(You have to take your medicine!) "No! It tastes like rotten gym socks with frozen yogurt!"

"Actually, it's called a machina ––hoo hoo is just a nickname."

"And if you DON'T get me that kitty, I'm not doing ANYTHING you ask me to do!" (You don't anyway.) "Well, it's going to be a lot worse."

"I'm going potty, do NOT touch my wand!"

(Okay girls, let's get our jammies on and get ready for bed) "Oh good, my wings are KILLING me!"

"These gloves smell like Papa." (They smell like gasoline and dirt.) "Yeah... Just like Papa!"

"Can I do my homework AFTER I eat? I'm stressed out."

"I want my own house." (Why?) "I'm bored with this one" (Well, now's the time; let's go house-hunting!) *Cries* "But I will MISS you!"

"Yo! Woman... Get me a Pop-Tart!" (Excuse me!) "Oh, sorry. Yo MAMA... Get me a Pop-Tart!"

"Put a sock in in, Mommy!"

(...And one of your great grandfathers was from Sweden.) "Does that mean he spoke candy language?"

"When I bend my wiggly tooth all the way forward, you can see blood and my new tooth coming in!" (Yank it!) "No WAY, that would be gross!"

"Your pillow smells like old lady."

"No WONDER that guy cut you off, mommy... It's Wacky Wednesday!"

"How old was Daddy when you met him?" (Two.) "I thought that's how old he is NOW?"

"Mommy, did you know that the thinnest part of your body is your eyelids?" (Sweetheart, even my eyelids are bloated right now.)

"If you were old and someone made chocolate that you could put on your skin and make you live forever, I'd buy some and put it on you."

"My mommy is building a new school!" (How's she doing THAT?) "With bricks!"

"I was talking to my pretend sisters!" (What are their names?) "David Bowie and Isla."

"When I don't talk, that means I'm listening. When I DO talk, that means I am NOT listening, so you should stop talking."

"Mommy, Ava poofed me into a fairy with her magic wand!" (It isn't real.) "Yes it IS! Tell her to poof me back into plain old Isla!"

"Mommy, how old was Daddy when he wasn't 51?" (Two.)

(Why have you been acting so naughty lately?) "I think we should just hug it out and have a peace meeting."

"You know who my favorite person in the world is?" (Mommy?) "No... Not THE HAMMER!"

"Every day from now on my name will be Rapunzel —with short hair."

(Do you know why mommy yelled?) "I can't remember." (Think.) "Because I made footprints all over the house with ranch dressing?" (That would be it.)

"Daddy got mad and slammed the book down and I didn't like it. Can you please talk to him about his anger?"

"I've been sniffing markers at school, but only the green ones ... And the red ones .... And sometimes the blue ones."

(What are you going to name your new dolly) "Bo Derek. Because that's who grandma looks like when she gets out of the water!"

"Does anger have bones?" (No.) "But if it's REAL then it has to have bones!" <explain emotions> "Well, I'm mad at my anger."

"Mommy? Why did you make your hair blonde?" (Because I can.) "You look like a lightbulb."

"This popsicle is too cold!" (Seriously?) "Yes, I can't eat this."

"Daddy calls the long thing a pee-pee!"

"I like you, Grandma. But I'd like you better if you had long hair."

(Not funny, Isla. Don't EVER throw an apple at me again, especially when I'm driving!) "Can I throw a banana?"

"Am I white?"

"You look beautiful!" (Oh honey, THANK you!) "But you DON'T look beautiful in that HAT!"

(FINE, I'LL hold the baby and YOU push the stroller; lets just GO!) "Stop whining, Mommy!"

"The toast is yucky and the eggs are yucky. I don't want this breakfast."

"You're wearing cowboy boots? Do you ride a cow?"

"Whoa... You're washing my hair too tight!"