Lately, when I stare in the mirror, my brain spins in a furry. Everything about my body has seemed to change overnight. My face, my weight, my hands and even my moods…at times it’s like I barely recognize myself.

About 6 months ago my period starting going haywire. So, I did the responsible thing and paid a visit to my OBGYN. After the appointment, I had blood work done and an ultrasound to check for abnormalities. Then just a few days after the appointment, the nurse practitioner called and confirmed the news I had been dreading to hear…. it’s “most likely” perimenopause.

Now with the limited knowledge I have on this topic, I know I am not the first to experience this. It is the unfortunate reality of being a woman, and literally billions of women have done this before me and will after. I even understand that it’s the evolution of my reproductive system. I am on the younger side at 41, but I do know it was something that was destined to happen.

As I have learned, perimenopause is a period of time before menopause, and menopause is the end to your period. Now on the surface it might sound simple (in the Webster’s dictionary definition kind of way), but man, these life changes are the farthest thing from that.

After years of cramp-ridden heavy periods, heartbreaking fertility issues, body-changing pregnancies and post-partum healing, this now almost feels like a gut punch. Like my body is betraying me, and my once vibrant, young healthy self is falling apart before my eyes.

Over the last 6 months, I have gained over 20 lbs. for what feels like no reason, and no matter how hard I try, no amount of exercise or good eating seems to change it. My clothes don’t fit at all, the hot flashes debilitate me anywhere and everywhere, and my limbs seem to inflame to the point where my hands don’t even look like my own. The fatigue, brain fog and memory issues can take me from a functioning adult to a child-like confused state in the middle of a conversation.

Some nights I toss and turn because my body literally feels like it’s burning from the inside out. And my period is so sporadic that it can come every 10 days or 60 days, and then last for anywhere from 4 days to 14 days. I have ruined more underwear, pajamas and sheets than I did when I was 13.

And much to my surprise and horror, this can last for years before I am officially in menopause.

The preparation for the start of a girl’s period is literally years in the making. My daughter is 7 and she knows she will eventually be getting a period. Yet, we rarely talk about the complications of that period ending. Medical professionals often can’t even give clear-cut answers, and there simply isn’t much support for menopause available.

Recently I was at a formal event for work. The cocktail dress I wore was a size too small and my hands were a shade of red that probably scared people. I was also on my 12th day of sporadic bleeding, and my whole body felt like it could be popped if poked with a needle.

Someone took a picture of me and I was horrified. I knew the person in the picture was me, but I just looked so different. In this moment, I wanted to shout from the roof tops that I was perimenopausal, but instead, I just smiled all night through my discomfort.

And this is far from the first time I have felt uncomfortable in public because of a gynecological issue. I have spent years and years smiling through the pain. My “medical rap sheet” is vast, and I wouldn’t even say I am an oddity – these health history lists for all women are long.

So, one day recently I wrote down every female-related experience I have faced – and it was equal parts shocking and impressive.

I listed periods, pap smears, internal and external ultrasounds, colposcopy procedures, fertility testing, endless blood work, a miscarriage and an ectopic rupture, two full term pregnancies, breast feeding complications, post-partum problems, bladder control issues and infections, hormonal acne, chronic telogen effluvium, ovarian cysts, uterine biopsies, mammograms, breast ultrasounds and just recently a painful IUD insertion. And that doesn’t even include the fatigue, mood swings, brain fog, back pain, hot flashes and litany of things that have affected my body since having children and now starting perimenopause.

I mean holy crap, right?

I need a break. I love my body for all it’s done for me over the years, but I would love to stop being in a constant battle with my reproductive organs. I would love just a moment to breath.

Yet talking does help. So, let’s share our menopause journeys, and start a conversation that will create a better world for the women going through it now…and hopefully a much less complicated future for the girls and women who will follow.