“Slow down,” my husband tells me.
“Think about what you are doing before you do it.”
Each one of those meant-to-be-constructive comments of his is met with my disdain.
Every single time they leave his mouth with the intent of making their way to my ears, and inside my brain where they are expected to reside forever, I send an evil glare back in his direction.
What I have never responded with though, but have always wanted to exclaim is this:
“How can I be more mindful, when my head is full of all this crap I am thinking about?”
I don’t say that to make myself out to be a martyr, though apparently, that is how I come off.
I legitimately have questions about the notion of indeed being able to achieve full awareness of things as a mother.
There are millions of articles out there debating who carries the “mental load,” and while I have always contested that it is (by far) the mothers, it is not lost on me the fact that I drop that gigantic load right on top of my shoulders, by my damn self.
Still, I want to feel more balanced.
Or truthfully, maybe it’s that I want to state aloud for all to hear that I desire to be more balanced.
In all honesty, I kind of prefer to have ten balls in the air instead of two or three, as I thrive and feed on the pressure-cooker style day-to-day I impose upon myself.
There are many benefits to being a busy-body.
There are many benefits to being someone who isn’t afraid of a little stress.
But, where my Speedy Gonzales nature gets me into trouble is that it makes me less present for those I love, leads to me being somewhat frazzled and making careless mistakes and often, contributes to me setting a bad example (and being grumpy).
What do I mean?
Well, while I don’t dislike or unwelcome the internal fury that multitasking causes me, outwardly it makes me kind of an irrational, overreacting basket case.
Eeek. That doesn’t sound good, does it?
Not really how you’d want your loving spouse to describe you to his friends, or the type of commentary that you would want for your children to share about you with their teachers.
The kicker is that I feel most myself, most creative, and most impassioned when I am juggling things and NOT when I am focused on a straightforward matter at hand.
So, what is a person like me to do when I feel most “balanced” being unbalanced?
Is this a problem for all mothers and parents who get tasked or task themselves with “all the things”, or is it only an issue for those who seem to innately embrace and cuddle with “crazy”?
I guess that, in my opinion, the ultimate goal for individuals doesn’t need to be the impressive achievement of reaching this holy grail of “mindfulness”.
Maybe everyone’s mindfulness looks different. Perhaps my state of balance is off-balance, like a circus performer who feels most himself when he is standing on top of a chair which is on top of a ball which is on top of an upside-down table.
Yes, that may make me a circus act, but I never said I wasn’t.
I’ve always contended that my kids and I are a traveling circus show and while this is my circus and these are my monkeys, there will always be the need for a ringleader.
If life itself is our most exceptional performance, I don’t want to let my search for “mindfulness” get in the way of making my show the greatest and most entertaining show on Earth.