I had an appointment today with my OB/GYN. (Nope, not pregnant — I'm well beyond child bearing years.) With me in the waiting room sat a couple — clearly eager first time parents — flipping through pregnancy magazines and looking anxious and excited. When I got to my exam room, I realized they were in the room right next to mine, as I could hear their muffled voices and nervous laughter.

And then I heard the most magical sound in the world.

Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump.

It was the loud and unmistakable sound of their baby's heartbeat beating on the fetal doppler.

As I listened, I took a deep breath filled with the gratitude that I was once lucky enough to hear that sound from my own womb. Then I smiled — remembering how 20 years ago I first heard the sound of that sweet beat — and how it filled my soul like nothing else had before.

My soul was filled with instant joy.

And then in a split second my smile faded, replaced with a frown and thoughts of all the things that modern mothering has in store for that first time mom. That how raising a child these days — days full of sanctimonious social media and ever vigilant mom shaming, of being under the scrutinizing and suffocating microscope of anyone and everyone — is going to crush her spirit and her soul.

That joyful sound will soon be a distant memory, replaced with this…

Gained more than 25 pounds during your pregnancy? You’ll never lose it fatty.

Had a labor full of complications or a c-section? Your body failed you, and your baby.

Formula fed? Baby will have low I.Q. and be sick all the time.

Breastfed for only six weeks? Quitter.

Nursed into toddlerhood? Freak.

Back to work? Neglectful.

Staying home? No ambition.

Boxed mac and cheese? Poison giver.

Homemade mac and cheese? Obnoxious over-achiever.

TV watcher? Tablet user?Ignorant.Both you and your preschooler.

Private school? Elitist.

Homeschooler? Religious nut, unsocialized kids.

Public school? Ohhhh, I get it.Your average.

Raising an atheist? You’re going to hell.

Raising a Christian? Family of bigots.

Raising a Republican? Blasphemy.

Raising a Democrat? Are you insane?

Kid playing outside alone? I’m calling the police.

Kid never allowed to leave the house? I’m calling child protective services.

No sports? Your kid will never be able to compete in life.

Traveling sports teams? Waste of money.

Piano? Dance? Cheer? Scouts? Brownies? Your kids are over-scheduled neurotics with anxiety.

Do your kids laundry, make their breakfast, andpack their lunches? You’re raising incompetent future adults.

Don’t do anything for your kids? Selfish.

Low standardized test scores? Your kid has no future.

High standardized test scores? Your kids will arrive at college depressed and burnt out.

Zero extracurriculars? Yea,good luck with college applications.

15 AP courses, president of everything,headed to Ivy League? Give me a freakin’ break.

Regular classes, 3.0 GPA, state school? Your kid is totally screwed.

Community college? Why even bother.

SOUL. SUCKED.

Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump.

Hey first time mom in the next room, and mom who just had a baby, mom who has a house full of diaper clad toddlers, mom who will have a first time kindergartner in a few weeks, mom with school aged kids, and the mom who is getting ready to embrace the final years of high school or send a kid off to college-please remember one thing for me...

ONE THING.

Remember that sound of your baby’s heartbeat?

Then remember it’s YOUR baby’s heartbeat, not society’s baby, or social media’s baby, or some parenting study’s baby.

Remember it is YOUR baby, toddler, child, young adult, and college student.

Don’t let the motherhood soul suckers of the world take away one second of your joy of mothering.

Not one single second.

You are the mom. You made that damn heartbeat, so you get to raise it, the way YOU want to raise it.

Nobody else. It’s time to get your soul’s joy back.

One thump at a time.

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