So you’re pregnant and maybe a little bit lonely because you’re the first in your group of friends to be in a family way. It’s not easy going through all of the changes that pregnancy and new motherhood bring all alone. I speak from experience here – when I was a new mom I felt super isolated until I started meeting local moms and making mom friends.

Here’s what I wish I’d known way back when:

Moms’ Groups are great until…

One mama takes over every meeting. Until they get so big that most of the moms never get a chance to talk. Or factions appear, like more than half of the mothers in the group are very attached to one kind of parenting and put down everyone who disagrees with them. Some say moms’ groups are the best places to meet local moms but I’d argue they are only as good as the mamas in them. Maybe you click with the moms in your closest group, maybe not. If you don’t feel welcome there’s no reason to keep going every week.

Your childless friends may…

Support you 100% or pull back. You may find yourself pulling back, too, if only because you are smart enough to know that bringing a grabby 18-month-old over to your friend’s house is a horrible idea. You know how much destruction small hands can dish out, even if childfree friends don’t. That’s one of the reasons it’s so important to find at least one mom friend – and one local mom who has your back is all you need.

The first few weeks or months…

Are probably the hardest – or at least they feel that way. While coping with a colicky newborn may sound like small potatoes compared to a teenager crashing the car, at least you may be operating on a full night’s sleep when you’re figuring out what to do with the teen. Between waking up for feedings around the clock and the pressures of keeping a newborn alive when you’ve never parented before, the first six months of motherhood is definitely trial by fire. Meeting up with mom friends is crucial, if only so you have a safe space to vent.

You may never speak a full sentence again…

And that’s okay. I’ve heard people say that making mom friends is hard, but keeping them is harder. That’s because your kids, be they babies or teenagers, know when you’re sitting down for a juicy convo with your besties and will do everything they can to break in. That might mean a diaper explosion or repeated asks for snacks or a hundred texts in a row about why it’s just so unfair that you don’t allow mixed gender sleepovers when every other one of the local moms apparently does. The good news is that your mom friends will understand that motherhood means being subject to every interruption imaginable.

Mean moms aren’t a myth but…

Chances are good they are fueled by their own insecurities and trying to get over their own fears of inadequacy by putting others down. Just like in middle school! If you encounter one of these overly critical, snarky, or (worse) two-faced mean moms, don’t take anything personally. It’s not you, it’s her.

It takes time to build a village…

But you’ll be amazed at how much better your life is when you have local moms you can turn to when things get tough. Or weird. Or crazy. Or you feel like you’re at the end of your rope and just plain can’t take another minute of being someone’s mommy. The good news is that you can – and will – keep meeting moms at every stage of the journey, whether it’s in the dance studio lobby or with the help of apps for moms.

And yes, even with Mom Apps…

You still need to put yourself out there. And it can still be awkward to make that first move off-mom apps and into the real world. But frankly – and again, I’m speaking from experience – it’s still less weird than asking for another mom’s digits at the playground! Sometimes you click and sometimes you don’t, but putting yourself out there and reaching out to local moms is worth it. Even the best app for moms can’t replace a friendly hello, virtual or otherwise.

But in the end…

It gets easier. Babies (or toddlers) start to finally sleep through the night. You get a routine going. Bigger kids learn to feed themselves and then even get their own snacks (hallelujah!). And good news, your teenager probably won’t crash the car. But if they do, your mom friends will be there to help you figure out how to deal with it without going crazy – because that’s what mom friends do.