Wake me up when October ends.

I know those aren’t quite the lyrics we are accustomed to, but it is the sentiment I feel each year as the leaves start changing colors and the chill of October fills the air.

October is the month I lost Elijah, and fittingly, October also marks Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. For an entire month, my Facebook feed is filled with blue and pink ribbons, reminding me not only of my loss, but of the many losses endured by so many all over the world.

“here comes the rain again

falling from the stars”

Not long after I light my candle in honor of all the babies lost, I slowly prepare myself for the waves of grief that are sure to overcome my thoughts. I remember every detail, every moment, every second leading up to his birth.

“drenched in my pain again

becoming who we are.”

With each day of October, I relive it.

With every ribbon I see, I relive it.

October 2010 plays out in my mind so many times, the realities start to blur. If I change some parts, maybe our story could have had a different ending.

If only.

Once we reach Halloween, I know that October will soon be a thing of the past, at least for another 11 months.

“as my memory rests

but never forgets what I lost”