Breast Cancer Awareness Month and National Infant Loss Awareness Month

All in the same 31 days.

Reminding me that I lost both a boob and a baby.

October used to be a nice month to me.

It gave me mini 100 grand bars and oversized sweaters to hide the lbs I gain from the mini 100 grand bars.

But now it is shouting to to remember cancer and infant loss.

I assure you that I do not need October to remember either of these things.

I have not only physical scars but emotional ones as well.

I was 35 when I was pregnant with twin boys.

At 22 weeks I was admitted to the hospital with little chances of the babies surviving.

I had PPROM (Pre term, premature rupture of membranes) (Basically my water broke)

I refused to give up hope but the boys outlook was grim.

At 28 weeks, a hot day in August, my sons entered the world.

And the following day, one of my them died.

My survivor spent 6 months in the NICU and while I was trying to help him fight for his life, I was simultaneously grieving the loss of his brother.

I never got to know that little boy

The one who's heartbeat I heard for 28 weeks

But his brother is now a 16 year old teenager who I'm pretty damn proud of.

Saying this was the hardest time in my life is an understatement.

There were days that just getting up in the morning was all I could muster.

But more often than not, there were days that I found the strength within.

It is that strength that I had to find again when diagnosed at 41 with breast cancer.

And a reoccurrence 8 years later.

I'm kind of over that God not putting you through anything you cannot handle saying.

I've been tested enough and often do not want to be the strong one.

So I allow myself just that.

There are days, even all these years later, that I cry over the loss of our son (Zachary)

and there are days (even though I am currently cancer free) that I cry over what I have gone through.

I guess what I've learned is that I think it is wonderful we are bringing awareness to breast cancer

and to infant loss

but that those of us who have walked through the hell

do not need a month to remind us we were there.