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Challenge: Pregnancy and Infant Loss

One year without our firstborn

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57b18c_9f7540be972b4ccb84042b450d82b976~mv2.webpIt's been one year since he was born and one year since we lost him, our firstborn.

I vividly remember the emotional rollercoaster of this last year.

I remember his first and last cry, the first time we held him which was also the last, the moment my husband walked out of the NICU and I knew he just took his last breath in Dad's arms.

Then came the following days and weeks. It was hard to leave the house and go out in public and see parents with their children, spending countless hours in your nursery, questioning everything we once knew, the unknown of how we would put one foot in front of the other, all of the second firsts without him, the inevitable difficult questions and interactions, the difficult holidays, the dates…

Grief is hard. There is no right or wrong, there is no guidebook. We have experienced the great pain of losing a loved one, but you never expect to lose your child. Losing your child is unexplainable. You not only lose your child, you also lose what could have been, the memories, the firsts, and you lose a part of yourself.

I remember experiencing my second firsts. The first time going to the gym, my first smile, the first time I laughed, being able to go somewhere with friends and not crying. I was mad at myself, I would ask my husband if I'm doing things too soon… I'm still grieving - how is smiling okay, should I be able to spend time with friends and be able to laugh?

As the months passed, we started to find our new normal. Our new normal of life without our son physically here, but being able to move forward with him in our lives every day. While there is still pain and there is not a day goes by that I don't miss him beyond measure, we have found that joy and grief can co-exist. I can find joy in talking about him, I can smile when I say his name or when someone else says his name, I am proud of the person I've become because of him. He has changed us forever and has made a huge imprint on this world and so many hearts. But a part of me and my heart will always be missing. My heart aches for him each day, I still have difficult days, I miss the memories and the milestones we should have had, the emptiness of having one of my boys in heaven and that our second son will never meet his big brother.

Sweet boy, you've impacted friends, family, and those we have the pleasure of knowing through your foundation. We will always honor your life and legacy.

I'm so thankful you chose us, you made me a mom and made me a better person. You sent us a miracle, your little brother, who will always know his big brother. We are so proud to be your parents and we love you beyond words. Until we meet again… sleep well, little one.

https://www.carterscause.org/post/one-year-without-you-our-first-born

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