I haven’t slept for more than three straight hours in a year. I’m being held together through sheer force of will, caffeine, and napping in toilet stalls. Sometimes I forget what I’m doing – while I’m doing it. Why am I in the kitchen and why is the cat in the refrigerator? Did I say cat? I meant toothbrush. Sometimes I mix up words. I have a yoga mat in my office that is only used for corpse pose.

I’m mostly doing a decent job of being a person who is, you know… awake. But there are some things that I am just not capable of dealing with right now.

Things I can’t handle

The truth

Yes, I’ve seen the foreboding articles about how sleep deprivation will steal your soul and turn you into a hypertensive zombie. No, that doesn’t actually help me any.

Suggestions that I need a nap

If by nap you mean sleep for three weeks straight, then yes, I should take a nap. Otherwise it’s just peeing on a house fire.

Your bad night

I know, no comparing miseries. But please don’t tell me about how you woke up twice last night and you are just so tired. Sure, in some ways it may actually feel worse to you; my body has forgotten there was ever another way. At this point I couldn’t sleep for more than two hours in a row if I wanted to. And I desperately want to.

Deep thoughts

I haven’t held onto a complete thought in months. I look very contemplative while I stare into space, but I’m working on involuntary reflexes and nothing more.

My Job

There are many reasons I continue to breastfeed, not least of which is hanging a sign on my office door and taking a nap while I pump.

Socializing

I may have seen you daily for five years, but I have completely forgotten your name. The look on my face isn’t boredom, it’s a basic absence of being.

Alcohol

One beer will knock me out faster than Thanksgiving dinner.

Board games

Candyland is mind-numbing on the best days. Right now I want to find a gumdrop pillow inside the peanut brittle house and never leave.

Movies

My attention span is approximately 20 minutes. Did Elsa ever leave the ice castle?

Finishing my senten….

Rhiannon Giles is an overwhelmed mother who only occasionally considers giving her children to the circus. She has a sarcasm problem and writes regularly at rhiyaya.com. To keep up with new posts and see some of her favorites, join her on Facebook.

Originally published at rhiyaya.com; As seen on Huffington Post