She would have been a great big sister!

If she hears the sound of a baby on tv or out in public it stops her in her tracks.

She tells everyone around her about the baby she sees.

She plays baby dolls at home. She sings, rocks and feeds her baby dolls.

She plays alone a little bit but almost always wants mom or dad to play with her.

She's not the type that likes to play independently.

Not like her big brother was as a toddler so many years ago.

I have all her toys, clothes and shoes from the past year.

Saving it all in a safe place for when her sister got here.

I set up their room for 2 and envisioned what it would be like.

Seeing them play together.

Coordinating their outfits together.

How big of a help she would be with her new baby sister.

How much they might look alike. How close their age and bond would be.

How there would be 2 experiencing the world... together.

I pictured them as teenagers and young adults always having each other as a support system.

So now what?

Nobody tells you what to do with all the baby stuff you saved when you are expecting but now have no need for.

Standing there holding an outgrown pair of shoes unable to move.

Because making a decision to get rid of them is not that simple, it's not just about the old clothes, shoes and toys.

It's more monumental than that.

It is saying goodbye to what could have been.

But keeping them would be a painful reminder that they are not being used as intended.

It puts so much pressure on the future.

Do I attempt to try again? What if it happens again...or not at all?

It puts pressure on the past.

Did I recognize the last time I changed a diaper that would be my last time of ever doing it as a parent?

I realize just how little control I have over any of it but it doesn't seem to stop my brain from thinking about it constantly.

She would have been a great big sister.

All I can do is pray that one day she will be. And if not...somehow I have to be okay with that too.