Sometimes I snap.

And no, I’m not a combative person. In fact, I’m the complete opposite.

But the stress of motherhood puts me on edge at times.

Here’s the thing, as mothers we are constantly preparing, doing the behind-the-scenes work--the thinking, planning, worrying and anticipating of the everything--to avoid the maybe meltdown that could happen IF WE DON’T. The invisible duties that everyone in the family thinks “magically get done,” falls on us. So, sometimes when you’re the cause of things going awry, after a whole day of doing, we snap.

Like if our partner forgets something, he’s unfortunately in for it.

Take today, my husband insists on getting the “stuff” (stroller, diaper bag, etc.) out of the car on the weekends, and I focus on the kids. In the car, I told him not to forget the travel potty, and he did his "yes, yes" thing, half not listening, probably annoyed that I even asked---you know how spouses are.

Within two minutes at the park, I saw my daughter out of the corner of my eye start the "pee-pee” dance, squirming around, crossing her legs back and forth. If you have a potty-trained child, you know this dance all too well.

Then the not far behind squeal of “I have to go pee-pee mommy!”

I grabbed her hand to run and shouted to my husband across the park (he was closer to the potty), “Can you get the potty set up?”

“It’s in the car,” he answered.

Look, I logically know that mistakes happen, but at that moment, my kid was about to have an accident, and I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO CHANGE IT—because I’m also the changer of everyone.

So, out of frustration, I snapped.

Because we could have avoided the running, frustration, and almost accident, if he would have JUST LISTENED FOR ONCE.

And if I’m digging through my diaper bag and the wipes are missing, or you used my last diaper without telling me or replacing it—I’m going to snap.

Because I prepared everything the night before with the intention of it being there.

Because now, the baby needs a diaper change and I don’t have anything.

Because now the toddler is thirsty and I don’t have her sippy cup.

Because now the snacks are gone and the kids ARE STARVING.

BECAUSE NOW EVERYONE IS CRYING.

When the baby is sleeping, and someone comes barreling into the room and startles her awake after I just got her to sleep---

I can't help but snap.

And then guess what? I feel terrible. Because I didn't mean to react with such force. I know it wasn’t done purposely.

So, I apologize.

Because we can’t change the craziness around us or the tired, but we can apologize when we snap.

The reality of the situation is we’d all snap doing what a mother does.

In the meantime, I'm sorry, and I hope you accept my apology. I really don’t mean to have such a short fuse, but this season is HARD, and I’m doing my best. But I’m glad you can understand and love me through it all.

This post originally appeared on the author's Facebook. Her book Living FULL: Winning My Battle with Eating Disorder is available on Amazon: https://amzn.to/2O4mJId