The holidays are fast approaching, meaning hosts everywhere will soon cram dozens of friends, relatives and acquaintances into a seldom-used room (aka the Dining Room) and engage in lavish feasts, fond memories and, quite possibly, alcohol-fueled political arguments. Invariably, these scenes occur at a large table laden with fine china and stemware. Meanwhile, children at rickety, cobweb-encrusted card tables from the basement, merrily giggle, oblivious to the conversation nearby. But when does a child graduate from the “kids' table” to sit with the grownups? If you place your children at the small table this Thanksgiving, look for these 10 characteristics as signs they are ready to eat with the “big people” come Christmas:
1) Instead of white milk, they request white wine
2) Prior to the prayer, they silence their iPhones
3) They repeatedly crane their necks toward the TV, fearful the Dallas Cowboys are not covering the spread
4) They ask the table’s other occupants if they think Donald Trump rigged the election
5) They’ve lost all desire to flick peas at their cousins
6) They use air quotes when discussing what they want from “Santa"
7) After three bites, they’re not full
8) They eat pumpkin pie after the meal, not during it
9) They ask the host for Tupperware containers
10) After dinner, they head straight for the couch
Greg Schwem invites more suggestions via the comments section. Please try and respond before November 24, as he is hosting two dozen people for Thanksgiving and has no idea where to seat everyone.