The last proof that I even was pregnant.

I was 4 days past my 5 day transfer. Way too early for me to even think about testing, but I did anyways. I took the test, placed it on the counter and started my timer. It wasn't early in the morning. It was random in the early morning with an old pregnancy test from a previous month of trying to conceive. Days before my first beta test, I was sure the test was going to show negative but I had to take one. The wait was killing me.

Two of the longest minutes and I couldn't even look at that test. I looked at the counter and in complete disbelief I saw an extremely faint line. I showed my husband who assured me I was seeing things.

I waited about 7 hours and took another one. The line was darker. Over the next several days I took more and more tests in complete disbelief that finally, after two plus years of trying to conceive I finally saw a test that read, "pregnant".

I was overjoyed. The days following my positive pregnancy test were complete bliss. I told a few people and celebrated in silence, awaiting the days it was safe to tell more and more people. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops.

I took the cliche´picture of all my needles with my positive test in the middle.
I told more people. More close friends, more family.
We were over the moon. Our families were over the moon.

Waiting for the results from my first beta was agonizing. Yes we saw the positive tests, we saw the line getting darker, but I needed to see a good number. I took the whole day off from work, secretly expecting to have a negative result.

356. My first beta was 356. Again I was overjoyed. I couldn't believe it when they told me. I was beyond happy. I didn't even worry about my second beta because I just knew.

833. My second beta more than doubled. At this point I was doing everything I could to not share my announcement post.

When I started bleeding I never thought I was miscarrying. I assumed it was late implantation or from the medications. My numbers were doing way better than I ever imagined. When the bleeding got worse and I went to the doctors my beta was over 4000. Still I thought I wasn't miscarrying, I was wrong. Two days later my numbers dropped from over 4000 to lower than 300. Devastated can't even begin to describe it.

Days of grief followed. I took some time off from work and laid in bed for days.

I never got to see my babies on their first ultrasound. I was just 6 weeks, 3 days when we lost them. I only had the tests left to even remember I was pregnant. I had so many and kept them for so long. When I finally discarded the remaining tests I tucked one away in the back of my underwear drawer, I don't even know if my husband knows its there. I don't look at it often but when I do its like a punch in my chest.

I loved you before I knew you and love you even though I never met you.

For now its just the pregnancy test in my underwear drawer.