When I'm too busy to lay with you at night, I hope one day you'll understand. Because I know right now your little heart is disappointed.

But I’m doing so many other things, so tomorrow you can have all of me.

And there are the visible tasks that need to be completed, like the dirty dishes in the sink.

But it’s the things you don’t see mommy do that sit in my head and overwhelm me most. They’re the ones that need to get done, so our family’s way of life runs smoothly.

Because I want to take you on that walk in the woods where we collect rocks to paint without thinking non-stop about that form I forgot to fill out for music class and the soccer registration for my eldest.

Because I don’t want to be in the park with you but thinking about gift ideas for your friend’s birthday party, the pending thank you notes from yours, or a doctor’s appointment I need to schedule.

And I don’t want to be at the zoo, looking at you smile wide at the giraffe taking in big leaves, and be too stuck on the grocery list to really enjoy the moment.

Because all of that sits like a weight on my chest, and sometimes I can manage it really well, but other times it feels like it’s going to crush me.

Because as your mama, I’m the keeper of the to-do list, and if I don't remember all the things, it won’t get done.

And as much as I’m honored to be your everything and wouldn’t trade it for the world, I need these nights to myself to unwind and do ALL the things.

So as much as I’d want to lay with you and call it a night with you in my arms, if I didn't do all these things, there would be chaos, tears, and ice cream sundaes for breakfast.

So, maybe you won’t understand tonight, but one day you will—

It’s because that’s what moms do.

This post originally appeared on the author's Facebook. Her book "Living FULL: Winning My Battle with Eating Disorder" is available on Amazon: https://amzn.to/2O4mJId