While I’m still here dry swallowing birth control pills mid panic attack in the pharmacy drive-thru,

My wonderful Mom Friend & her husband welcomed their second beautiful child into the world!

Since my 2 year old is a walking, talking contraceptive,

I plan on using their baby to satisfy my baby hunger. It’s awesome.

I get my fix then if she cries or poops or throws up or something I just hand her back & go home. Talk about friends with benefits.

But I’ve gotta give it to my Mom Friend, having a newborn & a toddler is some hardcore shit, man.

Any mom who has a kid under 4 years old & decides to have another kid should immediately receive a Black Belt at the time of delivery.

These moms are freakin' warriors.

Yet, oftentimes, people have this misconception about second time moms; that since they’ve survived one newborn they can survive them all.

Listen, this may not be her first rodeo, but it sure as hell isn’t the same bull & the first bull is still bucking.

So before you get all excited to pay a visit to your friend & her new baby, remember that she requires the same courtesies that were given with her first child.

Here are some "Do's" & “Don't's” for visiting a new mom who just had her second baby.

👍WHAT TO DO:

These apply to any mom, whether she just had her first kid or her seventeenth. These are the ground rules of baby/mom visitation:

✔Text when you’re on your way & when you’ve arrived: Phone calls, doorbells & knocking are prohibited. If a dog barks or the toddler gets woken up from his nap, it’s your neck. Use the technology our lord Steve Jobs gave unto us & try to be as quiet as possible.

✔Expect cancelled visits & don't be a jerk about it: Sometimes as moms we need to be alone in our chaos. Maybe the toddler is having a day & having company is the last thing anybody needs. Don't take it personal. Keep in touch with her & reschedule for another time.

✔Wash your hands immediately & frequently: As soon as you walk in the door head straight for the sink or hand sanitizer, you filthy animal.

✔Bring Coffee and/or Food: Since crack is frowned upon in most parenting communities, parents must resort to copious amounts of caffeine to survive. Bring enough food for the husband & other child(ren) but make sure there's pleanty for the breastfeeding/pumping mother who suddenly has the appetite of a teenage boy. Have you ever seen a lactating woman eat? Quite impressive. Gross, but impressive.

✔Offer to fold laundry, do chores, or run errands. Either she just shoved an entire human being out of her vagina or she was just gutted like a fish & had a person removed from her abdomen so just fold the laundry & do the dishes. Unless you’ve done something cooler this week than BIRTHING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD, the chores, errands, & miscellaneous life tasks are your responsibility now.

✔Entertain the Toddler There are A LOT of things toddlers require...I mean A LOT. But attention & interaction is what they crave most. While Mom & Dad are adjusting to the new roommate, take time to interact with the older child. Even if it means watching the ‘Baby Shark’ video 26 times or losing 8 rounds of Connect Four to a person who still poops his pants & can't even count to 4. The interaction will do both the parents & the toddler a lot of good.

👎What NOT to Do:

Here you go. Laid right out in front of ya. Now you have no excuse to be a Level 10 Douchebag. The following are examples of douchebaggery you want to avoid:

🚫DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE IF YOU'RE SICK: Just a reminder that TINY BABES have little to NO DEFENSE against your NASTY ASS COLD that YOU contracted after not washing your GRIMY HANDS after you bowled with DAMN NEAR EVERY BOWLING BALL at the bowling alley because you were looking for the “perfect fit” then followed up by INGESTING 2 HOT DOGS with those same GERM INFESTED MITTS. Sorry Grandma, next time wash your hands after bowling league. Until then, we’ll just facetime you.

🚫DON’T KISS OTHER PEOPLE’S BABIES: When you go to your friends house, do you go around kissing everyone? Do you just go kissing the husband, or the preteens, or the dog, or Grandma (Unless your Italian like my family who literally kisses everyone, but that's a whole other issue)? No you don't. So leave the baby alone, ya creep!

🚫STOP STARING AT HER BOOBS: Don't worry, your friend didn't get a botched boob job. But it's definitely going to look like it. Going in for a hug will feel like Cady Heron hugging Regina George’s mom in 'Mean Girls.' Leave her poor giant, hard, engorged, leaky boobs alone. There’s a 98% chance she’s gonna whip ‘em out anyway & be like, “Dude. Look at how crazy my tits are right now." So until then, you are not to gawk, touch, or question the boobs. Just be ready with the ice packs.

🚫DEFINITELY DON’T TELL HER HOW TIRED SHE LOOKS: "No. Really? What gave it away?” “The purple circles under my bloodshot eyes? “Or is it the way my sentences trail off into ineligible mumbles?” “Are you also seeing these hallucinations or is that just me?” She knows she looks like shit. No need to remind her.

🚫DO NOT ASK HOW THE BABY IS SLEEPING: What kind of question is that. Seriously. If you're that low on things to talk about, that's your cue to go. "But just to be clear the baby sleeps like A CONFUSED, NOCTURNAL PTERODACTYL & the toddler suddenly decided to stop napping & somehow I've lost COMPLETE CONTROL OVER MY LIFE. Thanks for asking though."

🚫PLEASE DON’T WALTZ IN DOUSED IN GRANDPAS PATCHOULI: “Save the patchouli for that music festival you’re about to tell me all about that I cant go to now since my tits leak & I've got 32 stitches on my asshole." If she can smell you over the mountain of poop diapers, puddles of sour milk, & the 2 day old spit up in her bangs, chances are you probably need a shower more than she does.

In conclusion, Just because someone successfully gets through one newborn stage doesn’t make the next one any easier. Be graceful, be helpful, be patient, & be present.

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