A glimpse of me....
OK, I'm not gonna lie, getting to know who I am has not come easy, and it's taken a lot of work. That's why as a life coach, it's a subject I often help frazzled mamas with — understanding who you are (and ultimately who you want to be) at your core. You guys, I'm exactly like the rest of us, a mom just trying to get by day in and day out. I'm part of a club that never knew what unconditional love meant until the day my children were born. Someone who never thought she would literally deal with crap and puke all in the same day with bare hands. A woman who thought she knew who she was before the kids came, and swore they wouldn't change her after they showed up.
I used to have a pretty great life before my little monsters arrived. A good job, living in NYC, awesome husband, sex whenever we wanted, an active social life, travel ... all of it. I used to say, "Oh, when we have kids, we'll just incorporate them into our lives and not much will change." Famous last words, right?
Well, they arrived and the awesome person I thought I was took a little hiatus to become a mother. Don't get me wrong, I was really good at making it all look good, but I was drowning a little on the inside. I was afraid of exposing my insecurities and my inabilities. I didn't want to be called out for mistake making. And I definitely didn't want to become a mom who judged other mothers because damn, this motherhood job is the hardest thing I've ever done. And judgy moms are the worst.
It took me having to face a major career decision to wake up completely. And that was the best thing that ever happened to me. When I was able to actually see what was in front of me, I could look inside and do the work I had to in order to emerge as the awesome person I am. It was then that I realized I didn't need to hide my true feelings, I needed to express them. I didn't need to apologize for my actions or my parenting, I needed to own them — flaws and all.
I'm not just a list of "things" because that would be too easy. Like all amazing badass mamas out there, I'm doing my best. I'm tired and energized. I'm worried and excited. I'm smart and inquisitive. I'm passionate and hesitant. I'm funny and creative. I'm vocal and honest. I'm loyal and logical. I'm a lot. I work hard every day to make sure other women know how powerful they truly are, because I know I am.
Motherhood changed me, that's for sure, but it doesn't control me. It's a part of me, one that will always be front and center, but it doesn't mean it deserves all of me.
I am changed. In the best way possible.