It took me a life time to understand my relationship with my weight.

Being Indian means food is a big part of my life. Add to that coming from a family of emotional eaters, and the equation just gets complicated. The concept of healthy eating hasn't even reached a whole section of my clan back in India. My weight gain has been constant since the time I got married. Before that, I was, for lack of a better word, healthy enough. Curvy in all the right places. Beautiful in a wholesome sense but never pretty. Yet, I was constantly called “Moti (fat)" in most of my friends circle. I was big boned and bigger compared to other girls of the same age.

In India, there body shaming is a huge part of day to day conversations. Your body shape exists for the constant criticism of others. Nothing is off limits. Fat or Thin, you are made fun of. Girls are expected to be curvy and thin, yet gorgeous. Men are exempt from such judgment, on a whole.

And when it does come to a point where one needs to lose weight, the ideal methodology is to point on everything on your plate and talk constantly (sarcastically)--about losing weight, calories and amount of time spent at the gym. Which only makes you want to eat more and go crawl into your bed.

A life time of judgement can make you immune to self evaluation.

When I did start gaining weight, the weight didn't really affect me. Always being confident in knowing, “I’m a good person inside and thus beautiful” had me never introspecting about the possibility of bad food habits that may need changing. I honestly never even felt fat until recently. Being active, hardworking and a dancer, I just never showed the signs to myself about being out of shape.

The mirror and out sized clothes were a Huge Sign but then there were the many excuses that came with it. Babies growing into kids, lack of sleep with kids who never slept in the night, endless household chores, the many, many things I need to do in order to keep my business alive, then rare trips to India/Kuwait (which had their own challenges), the kids classes, migraines, life drama. You see how lacking for time I felt I was.

My health never suffered because my marriage at least had me eating way healthier. My husband educated me about portion sizes, and about how to stop eating when I am full and about ordering thoughtfully. I learned how to cook a colorful, tasteful plate. I learned how to eat fresh, locally produced meals.

For the longest time, I had people talking AT me. “You need to lose weight. You need to do this or that. You need to work out.” I thought I had everything under control. Till last year, when I wrote this quote about being creative in your spare time, "If you want something to happen, you make time for it. Else, you just make excuses. "

As I created the graphic about it, it dawned on me. Wasn't this true for me and my workout regime? Maybe that’s all the difference between people who can make that magical time! I needed to take responsibility. Working out was just not a priority for me. I needed to accept that and make it one.

I need to accept that putting my body first has NOT been a priority for me so far, and that needs to change.

Then someone asked me, "If you want to lose weight, does your family support you?" The answer that arose from within was no. I was expected to do everything at home on top of working out. And that daunted me.

It was all on me. Slowly, I resolved that I was just going to find a way to work in those steps and sweat. The rest would fall into place once I did.

Today, I go for walks every morning. I dance regularly. I eat within reason. It is hard. Very hard. I wake up early and work. I get my son ready for school. I work out. I get my daughter ready for school. I carry on with the rest of my day, which drains me completely. I manage the kids’ classes, their homework, feeding them, getting them to do things in sequence. But once I started giving up by 8, my partner automatically stepped up. He now knows he just will have to put the work in with putting the kids to bed.

Most importantly, I accepted I was doing this to stay healthy and NOT losing weight.

There are no words of advice I can give you other than to take a moment recognize what is wrong with your perspective in life and work on fixing it. Take the time to find your own philosophy as far as every aspect of your motherhood journey is concerned. It is after all YOUR journey.

I haven't lost much weight, but I am proud of putting my BEING first. And it’s a daily choice I have to make, over and over again. Others opinions be damned.