“Who is this person? And what have you done with the old me?”

The questions I’d ask myself when I responded in a way contrary to my “normal”.

From the time I began having kids, I noticed something was happening to me. Yeah, it was gradual, but it was defining. And yet refining.

I didn’t know if I liked it. To be honest, it felt like I was losing something.

And the thing is, I was. I was losing parts of myself.

And it grieved me. On some days I missed the old me.

Because change, it’s hard.

And with each child, there was a change in me.

A shift from thinking only having to think of myself to constantly thinking about them. Caring for them and doing what I can to help them. It felt consuming.

Then within me, came more patience, more kindness…I guess more fruit of the spirit.

And now I think, it’s a good thing I had kids because I’d probably be a little more selfish and a little snarkier and maybe just plain ole mean. Like wow!

For sure these kids have changed me. Yet, in the best of ways.

At times, they challenge me to my core.

I remember the days I’m pushed to my limits. When I’ve heard my name called a million times. When dinner is ready, and no one likes it. When the house is “somewhat clean”, and things get thrown out of place.

When I’m desperately needing quiet, but the noise rises, and it sears my ears. When I want to rest but it seems fleeting. When I’m waiting for a thank you, but it didn’t come. When I lay my head down at night feeling a bit defeated.

But then I remember those moments when out of the blue I’m showered with “I love you”, and an immense amount of hugs. When snuggles are endless and little helpful hands are ready to work.

Those moments when they pray for me when I’m not feeling well or apologize for something they did. When they rave about a meal that I cooked or ask me to cook something they loved.

These are the things that have changed me.

They almost feel necessary.

To have become the momma and person I am today.

So yes, I’ve changed after kids, BUT I wouldn’t change a thing.

Sitting with you,

Natasha