Mother's Day in 2020 will be spent at home for most of us and if you're drawing a blank on what you want, you aren't alone. Suddenly dinners out and new earrings don't have the same appeal.

That's not to say we wouldn't accept gifts, wink wink. But in this season of staying at home and focusing on safety, I find myself having a hard time making a typical Mother's Day wish list.

A friend asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day and I drew a total blank. I just don't want more things.

I think at the top of every mom's list would be health for all both physically and in the workforce so families feel secure and provided for.

Beyond that, there are a few things lacking in me personally that would really make me happy to have again.

My 2020 Mother's Day Wish List

To say 2020 has been a struggle is an enormous understatement.

My husband has had MS for nearly our entire relationship, but it wasn't until January of this year that he had his first debilitating flare-up. It had him in the hospital for four days and recovering at home for weeks after.

Then Covid-19 found the US, school shutdowns, and stay-at-home orders followed. Now murder hornets and sex scandals fill the news feed and y'all, isn't it a bit much?

This is hard. It's hard and it is hard for everyone in different ways.

I've been experiencing stress all over my body in various ways from back pain to an infection that landed me on antibiotics last week. Thankfully, no one I know has the virus, but we are all struggling just the same.

My wish list can't be found on Amazon, but I can't think of anything I want more than this.

I Want .... to Feel Free

For Mother's Day this year, I want to feel free. Truly free in my feelings, in my heart.

I'm not talking about freedom in the political sense and I'm perfectly happy to feel free while at home. But there is a feeling that comes with freedom and I miss that feeling. I miss having it and I miss sharing it with others.

To Be Comfortable in my Own Skin

There's something that happens when everything around you is uprooted. I've always worked from home, but having my husband and kids here definitely changes the dynamic.

My routines are different. Needs are different and even the clothes I am wearing are different. I feel "off" all the time and when I have a glimpse of the me I recognize, it makes me realize how few and far between those glimpses have become.

To Work Hard

Being surrounded by people and pulled in every direction at the same time is killing my productivity. I miss the feeling of losing myself in a productivity tunnel and really nailing whatever it is I am working on.

The truth is, I just don't have the energy and I know I'm not alone.

I'm being gracious with myself and my people but I long for a time where I really feel satisfied with a job well done.

To Cherish my Life

I'm an optimistic person and truly for the most part, I've done a decent job of focusing on the good things about this year. I believe that gratitude is the best medicine for anxiety and fear.

That said, there is frustration and stress in these ambiguous times. Resentment can creep in when you least expect it and worse, when you know it's coming and can't seem to stop it from happening.

When I am out of balance, grace doesn't flow so easily. I get angry at people I can't change on the internet, frustrated with the lack of control I have over basically everything, and disappointed by change.

And then I start to take it out on my best people.

Instead of cherishing them or lifting them up, I'm just surviving each day. This is a very real part of what is happening right now and I don't take it lightly.

To Give More

My husband and I both have our jobs. There have been some changes and some reduced pay, but we are employed and able to work from home.

We have a yard. We have the food we need. We have devices and strong enough WiFi so two adults can work and two children can attend classes online.

Each week, we support a local restaurant by ordering a take-out meal and overtipping. We've given to some other charities. But it doesn't feel like enough.

In a way, it's like survivor's guilt. We want to be wise and prepared with our resources but not greedy.

I think we could give more and I want to figure out how.

To Lighten Up

It's been a real challenge to loosen up these days. Wouldn't a Mother's Day free of every worry be glorious?

We have some great friends who make us laugh and laugh but throughout most of my day, I find my face in a scowl looking for that next thing that needs to be done. Or worse, avoiding all tasks and feeling like a failure.

I go down the list of to-dos over and over and over until I give up and start the scrolling on my phone before fitfully giving into sleep, which feels like anything but rest.

This season of adulting is so obviously heavy. I know it's not permanent but I do miss my lighter, more easy-going self.

To Have a Blog Win

Listen. Y'all know I have been faithfully writing in some way online since 2003. I do it for me. But I also do it to help support my family.

In the past two years, Just is a Four Letter Word has grown in some amazing ways and I am so grateful.

I also realize I have lightyears more to learn and it's exhausting. You know that thing where the more you know, the more you realize you don't know? That's where I am in this website. It can be all-consuming if I'm not careful.

I'm not here for popularity, but I do have bills to pay and I'd be lying if I didn't get regularly discouraged by my (lack of) progress.

The thing about blogging is it directly ties into my identity and personal mood. I am the captain and the first mate and the cook and the janitor.

I will carry on and continue to do the work, but if anyone could figure out how to give this blog a major boost for Mother's Day, it would make a pretty amazing gift.

To Enjoy Video Games

I'm jealous of my husband.

As the only woman in a house full of boys, I find myself left out a good bit. To be sure, this is not at all because of anything they are doing intentionally. We just don't have the same interests.

I love watching the guys play games together and connect in that way. I try to be interested. I really really do. But I simply do not love video games, which is the currency for so many things in this house.

This week, we pulled out the old WiiU and have been having bowling and sword-fighting competitions. And there was some stress, but overall we had fun. I still don't last long, but it's a start.

I know the boys love it when I join in and I want to love it too.

To Be Fun

I want you guys to know that I wrote this list around 4am this morning as I lay awake in my bed.

Calvin woke up some time before that and came in our bed for a while before I sent him back to his own room.

When this happens, I really struggle with falling asleep again so the phone comes out and the lists start. Sometimes it's groceries, sometimes it's ideas.

Really, it's whatever is taking up the most space in my brain and right now, it's me trying to figure out how to get this negativity out of my brain and out of my life.

As I write, there is a muscle spasming in my neck. Ha! The struggle is so real it's starting to make me laugh.

And I miss laughing. This ties in with my above sentiment. I want to feel free to be silly and laugh and throw my head back without a care.

To Feel Like the Best Version of Myself

Ultimately, for Mother's Day 2020, I want to feel like the best version of myself again. I don't always know how to get there, but I know the feeling when I have it. And baby, this ain't it.

Nothing like this spring has ever happened to me or to you or to most of us, I'm guessing. My optimism and my faith assure me that this season will pass and I will have many of these things again.

I don't say this to be depressing, but there is a real situation happening in moms and dads all over the world and I have to acknowledge it.

In some weird way, it's comforting that I'm not alone. But it's also sad. There is grief happening and there is no easy way to pass through it.

We must keep going. We must take our wins where we can get them and share gratitude often.

This is my Mother's Day 2020 wish list. And if I get nothing on this list, one thing is for sure, I am still very very blessed and I know it. The rest will come.

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