Random, yet heartfelt MOM thoughts on letting my first born leave for college as originally posted on my Facebook Page, July 23, 2019.

I know a lot of people see sending their kids off to college as this right of passage filled with once in a lifetime experiences that they'll never forget but nope, not me. I see it as the most devastating and confusing time in my life as a mother. I know many will say It's not about me but honestly, it is. It's about my changing role as the mother to a young adult, and the effects it will have on our family dynamic from this point on in our lives.

While I am excited for what lies ahead in the future, I sat down one day and shared my raw emotion on what it really feels like as the countdown to move in day gets shorter. Just like becoming a parent for the first time, this transition to the college stage is downright nerve wracking and it's ok to be going through "all the feels", even the one's that people don't like to talk about. In my NON professional opinion,I think it's totally normal to be less than thrilled right now. If you're entering the "college" stage as a parent you might relate to this post and feel a little better knowing you are not alone.

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What it really feels like to send your first kid off to college....

I'm about 25 days out from dropping my first born off to college. And by college I don't mean a half hour away, I’m talking a long 4 hour drive at best. Not exactly a plane ride away but also not a hop skip and a jump.

You know there’s this look people give you when your kid is over 3 hours away.. they kind of wince and their lips pucker up like - that far huh? they usually follow up with "you must be so excited?!"

I usually nod, smile and say “yes, very exciting. It’s going to be a great experience for him”.

While I try and be thrilled for him, the reality is I am letting my kid go and it friggin' sucks! It stinks. It's awful and I hate it.

There I said it. I'm not jumping for joy or excited for the next chapter becuase my life is about to be turned upside down, inside out and spun all around. Maybe you're shaking your head at me or asking why I am not more happy but if you’re a parent, especially a mother - then you know why...

My kid is leaving home. My first born. The one who used to call me "mommy" and leap into my arms when he saw me in the pickup line. The one who tells me when I'm wrong and validates me when i am right. The one who drives me crazy because thinks he knows more than me but it's hard to stay annoyed because he has been my buddy for the last 18 years.

I never can understand it when parents are excited for their kids to be out on their own. No judgments just do not get it... Yeah he he drives me crazy and his smart mouth get's worse as he get's older but he's my smart mouth and now he's leaving the nest to fly on his own.

So am I excited? NO, not at all. I have been walking around Dazed and confused for the last 9 months. And while I know I am supposed to feel this tremendous sense of joy for my son's "next chapter", I have dreaded this moment since the start of senior year last September. The constant lump in my throat and pit in my stomach get's worse as each day counts down.

The thought of us all not existing under one roof makes me feel so sad and incomplete. It also makes me worry how I won’t know when he's home, asleep or even worse, if he gets hurt. There's no life 360' app virtual enough to take all that stress away.

But I am trying to keep things in perspective and I haven’t shared any of this with him. I know this is going to be the best thing for him. Isn’t it ironic how the best things for our kids is often the most painful for us, at least for me.

Through all these crazy emotions, I have been trying to find comfort in knowing that while I begin to set him free he will begin to do what we all have to do at some point, "adulting".

So while it might suck for me to be losing my boy, I’m looking forward to seeing the man he will become. 💙