It seems there is an article about the "mommy wars" everywhere you look these days or a recent study or column fueling the fire. There is not one person out there that has never judged another person, myself included, but I completely agree that mom judging has reached epidemic status. I definitely feel the weight of it quite frequently and find that sometimes the only way to escape it is to keep to myself. Try to stay unnoticed and hopefully make it through the day.

I have been a stay at home mom for the past twelve years and I feel judged for that choice and many others all the time. Common questions I hear are: What do you do all day? Aren't you bored? How do you find fulfillment? Don't you feel guilty wasting your education? Ugh! My most recent experiences happened at the start of this school year. My youngest daughter started Kindergarten this fall and I was asked repeatedly what I was going to do with all of my free time. One question in particular that really got to me was, "What is it like to now be a lady of leisure?" Huh?! First of all, Kindergarten is two and a half hours long. Second of all, my other two kids aren't gone for all of those two and a half hours. How does that make me a lady of leisure? In reality, I have very little free or leisurely time.

Also, it was recently brought to my attention that studies show that because I stay home with my girls I am hurting their future. Because, during normal working hours, I have chosen to make taking care of my children and our home my focus that means they are less likely to have successful careers. They are less likely to have measured success. But, what if I were taking care of someone else's three children all day in my home? Because they aren't my children but someone else's, I then not only have a career, but I also own my own business. That makes my daughters more likely to be successful? Ouch!

Just because my family is successful with having one parent stay at home and one work outside of the home doesn't mean that the family next door is going to be as happy or successful with that dynamic. Similarly, just because my good friend's family thrives with both her and her husband working outside of the home doesn't mean friends of theirs are going to find the same balance. We cannot know everything that is going on in each others lives, so why do we like to pretend that we do and then make snap judgement's based on those assumptions? We all have to find what works best for our individual families. There are so many factors that come into play in figuring that out. How do you and your partner work best together? What are your goals for the future? What are your visions for your family? What are the personalities and needs of your children? What are the personalities and needs of each other? And sometimes the way you think things are going to work best don't end up working at all. A close friend of mine always thought she was going to have six kids and there was no doubt in her mind she was going to be a stay at home mom. She couldn't see it any other way, until her first child was born. She was miserable being at home and eventually came to realize that wasn't good for anyone. Ultimately, going back to work outside the home made her happier, which in turn made her a better wife and mother and was the better choice for her family.

The bottom line is, there isn't only ONE way of parenting that is the right and best way for everyone. There isn't a yellow brick road to becoming the perfect parent and the perfect family. So why must we all continue to judge each others chosen paths? Why does one of us have to be better than the other to validate our choices? Why can't we all take different paths that have different hills, twists and turns, and breathtaking landscapes. Paths that sometimes cross each other along the way and eventually end up coming out in the same spot? Then we can share our stories of struggle, triumph and beauty and find connection and friendship in the similarities, gain insight and perspective from the differences and find peace in the lack of judgement.