I lost it today...😟

If I’ve learned anything over the past 19 years, it’s patience! (And I def needed that lesson because I truly had none!)

For years, behaviors come and go, as soon as I think it’s becoming a problem, he switches it up and replaces it with a new one.

This week has been rough.

This new thing is scripting and yelling.
It’s non stop, all day, all night and extremely loud!
The scripting is lines from movies but only the scenes where the actor was screaming...the yelling, I can’t explain? But it comes in three’s and is in between the scripting.

We’ve been sleeping with fans on to muffle the sound, I’ve been wearing his noise cancelling earphones and ear plugs to bed, I wear ear plugs around the house and still...non stop and it’s so loud.

There has been little to no sleep these last few nights so that means no sleep for anyone.
(Which may explain why I just exploded today)

I feel horrible even telling this story because it’s not something he wants to do! But its the reality.
Certain things I do set him off, like singing! He has never allowed me to sing..or anyone for that matter. He makes it clear that they have to stop.

So for his brother and I, the yelling and scripting is one that we just can’t handle. (Now and then is fine but this is day four and it’s been non-stop!)

Today I just lost it!
I couldn’t take it anymore and let’s just say, let him know how I felt..It was awful and I immediately felt horrible.
How could I get angry at something he can’t control?!
How would I feel if I was him?!?
If it’s “irritating” me....I can’t even fathom how badly it’s “irritating” him?!?

Afterwards I apologized to him and I even sat and talked to him about how it made me sad, and how my ears really hurt. (Just so he could understand and I know he did)
I told him that I know he doesn’t mean to or even want to do it and that all I want is for us to figure out what’s causing it and for us to be happy !
Because the yelling is making me and his brother sad.

I asked “how do you feel?”
He said, “I feel fine!”
(He can only answer direct questions or yes or no - this reply at this point means nothing because it was a prompt he learned from years of ABA...(which is a whole other story)

I then asked if maybe all the screaming was from stress or anxiety?!?
(Thinking that I was wasting my time because he isn’t able to talk like this)
Of course he isn’t able to have a conversation but as I kept talking he repeated “STRESS” ☹️
I asked him if he thinks that stress is the reason he does this and of course I didn’t get an answer as he was looking at his YouTube...but I just have to belive that of course it is!!

I’m beyond stressed!
We have no schedule...we’re going stir crazy at home....of course he’s STRESSED...who isn’t now-a days?!

So although I felt like a terrible mom today...yelling at my autistic son for basically, being autistic, much like every other bad thing that happens, something good came out of it!

This poor guy is stressed!
Suffering from GI issues for so many years, having surgery and still finding no relief...he feels like CRAP...and just sick of it...of course he’s stressed..probably depressed too!

But the good news is now we can work on helping fix that.

Sometimes all it takes is a 10 minute break, even just a shower ... just time to sort my thoughts and “regroup”

All BEHAVIOR IS COMMUNICATION
It’s taken a long time for me to think before reacting, (19 years later and I still mess up)
But knowing this makes handling these difficult days so much easier.

Now I just have to work on finding breaks. Self care is no joke, not just for the care provider, but the gigantic affect it has on the quality of care I’m capable of giving my son.

Thanks for letting me vent guys;)❤️🤙

**took this while at the hospital. This is how we slept every night. He had to have my hand.😊❤️***
#alwaysbemybaby #autistic #parenting #caregiving #fail #autism #understanding #autismparent #autisminsocal