Below is my contribution to the "If you give a..." series.

You know the books:

If You Give A Mouse A Cookie

If You Give a Moose a Muffin

If You Give a Pig a Pancake

If You Give A Mom Some Free Time

If You Give A Mom Some Wine

Wait -- scratch the last two; those are a couple of others I am working on.

While I am not sure that the series author, Laura Joffe Numeroff, is going to approve of my latest addition to her collection, I am sharing it nonetheless.

However, I must offer this DISCLAIMER:

This version may not make the best morning or bedtime story for your children, but it will surely be a good and informative read for your husband.

Here it is in all its glory. Enjoy it then share with the hubs or any men your life so that they may receive the education we women know they so dearly need.

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If You Tell Your Wife She's Wrong...

If you tell your wife she's wrong, she's going to lose her shiitake.

When she loses her shiitake, you better not lose yours.

And, when you start to speak again, you better not mention that she's losing her shiitake.

When you try to explain to her why she is wrong, she'll probably ask what the shiitake is wrong with you.

When you don't meet her question with a timely and sufficient response, she'll tell you to shove your shiitake where the sun doesn't shine.

Then, she'll expect you to grovel to ensure that you understand the nature of your crime.

When she confronts you on your foolishness, she'll notice that you aren't quite getting it and she'll probably ask you to pay more frickin' attention to the shiitake she is spewing.

When she's finished reading you the riot act, she'll want you to give her affection.

When she doesn't see you begging for her forgiveness, she'll probably think you don't give a shiitake.

So, you'll probably want to start giving a shiitake.

When she gets her mind right, she'll think about apologizing to you.

You will have to remind her that you love her regardless of her pyscho-esque behavior.

She will appreciate your affection for her, and she'll send some lingering and loving glances in your direction.

She may even ask you to kiss her.

So, you'll reluctantly agree, and she'll smile in satisfaction.

When she's done smiling, she'll probably want to make up.

You'll have to bite your tongue and not reiterate how this shiitake began because she was wrong.

She'll ignore that fact as well.

She'll probably ask you to take the blame.

So, you'll take the blame, and she will be satisfied (or so you will think).

When you show her forgiveness for her less than becoming behavior, she'll get so excited she will want to forgive you for all of your shiitake; present and past.

She'll ask you if you have moved on and you will say you have.

When the disagreement seems to be finished, she'll want to relive it one more time.

Then you'll want to remind her that she was in the wrong, which means she's going to tell you that this shiitake is all your fault.

You'll hang your head and nod in frustration and bewilderment.

Your confused face will irritate her, and she'll go off on you again.

So, you'll want to tell her she's wrong, again.

And, chances are, if you tell your wife she's wrong, she's going to lose her shiitake.

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MORAL OF THE STORY: Don't tell your wife she's wrong. Ever.

BACK-UP MORAL OF THE STORY: In a relationship or a marriage, you must be willing to recognize your flaws, instead of always harping on your spouses; one easy way to do that -- express acknowledgment of your "crazy" and your contradictions by way of humor.

You see, sometimes I stink as a wife.

But, the reality is that NOBODY is a perfect partner ALL of the time; not even the most kind-hearted and well-intentioned.

So, when life gives you and your partner OR you and your partner give each other shiitake to deal with it, don't lose your shiitake. Instead, take that shiitake and eat it up, swallow it down and then follow it up with something more enjoyable for the both of you -- like laughter.

"Humor is both arming and disarming and a necessary component of a successful marriage." -- Nicole Merritt