Motherhood:

Being a mom is hard…

harder than anything I have ever encountered.

I am in a constant state of the unknown at every developmental stage of their life…

I can’t say it gets easier since I have been living in the unknown for years…

Currently, the unknown is how to survive living in the nucleus of the storm, a funnel of teenage emotions, needs and wants…

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A pull towards the elated young mom laughing with a toddler on her hip,

making silly faces and

spending summer days in the sprinklers in the backyard, building forts and looking for frogs.

I miss the old me…

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Rather, I was looked up to for guidance,

reassurance,

kisses to make the pain go away and every other little thing that their hearts and brains desired.

Now the funnel sucks me in further and I am drowning a bit…

Being a mom of teens is brutal and throws me around more than I would like.

I am not sure where it all went wrong…

nothing I can do or say is ever enough…

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I’m drowning trying to hold my head up long enough to breathe…

How is the answer of yes not good enough?

When did it become not good enough?

And why can nothing I do or say be looked at in a positive way, even when the wish is granted?

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it keeps circling me and taking over.

I need it to just stop, let me out for a bit, give me a break to get my bearings and to exhale.

Whoosh! Back up I go… does anyone even notice I am gone?

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But the funnel doesn't stop,

it keeps going even through the small pockets of air when a conversation is held,

a smile is given,

maybe even gather a quick hug…

because right around the corner is the suction…

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I’m over protective and annoying.

Another pull…

is this just the feeling of not being needed or wanted?

Friends taking over family for this teenage stage?

Please tell me this part of the funnel will not last too long, I don't know if I can keep gasping for little bits of air.

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it has made me angry and sad, while also mixed with joy all at the same time…

it has put me in defense mode, made me open my eyes to my girls growing up and having bigger emotional needs,

forced me to face the reality of narcissism and that this is where their teenage brains are at this very moment...

made me look reality in the eye and recognize the thousands of mistakes I made as a mom…

wishing I didn't have any regrets and could go back in time to that toddler on my hip laughing with snot running down her face,

but knowing with pure honesty that I can’t change anything except for what is to come tomorrow and maybe not even that…

for they have their own plan,

I can only hope that I am part of that plan…

and all of the parts of me they can’t stand right now, one day they will understand and cherish,

but only time will tell…

I have to first live through this funnel…

Motherhood… it is beautiful and brutal…