I’m not a complainer, nor am I particularly sensitive to offhand comments, dirty jokes or innuendo, and rarely do I react to the crappy things that people tend to say so freely these days. (Oh hey, Facebook.)

But in my third go-round in pregnancy, I have rounded up a few things most pregnant women just don’t want to hear, no matter how well-meaning or innocently they may be intended.

Hell – touch my belly all you want; tell me, “it looks like you’re having twins!” You can even joke about me eating dessert after lunch every day (FACT), but these things? Just please don’t.

Thanks, in advance, from all of us!

1 – Please don’t scream out my weight at my doctor’s appointments.

This isn’t an MMA weigh-in. The rest of the Nurse’s Corner, I’m certain, does not need to hear the numerical result of my having indulged in a chocolate croissant every day. Hearing “162!!!” blared out at a decibel level comparable to that of a live auctioneer does not an already-hormonally-unstable happy pregnant woman make.

2 – Please don’t look when we (have to) nurse in public.

Are you a lactation consultant? You gonna help me with this latch? No? Then do me a solid and take another glance at the appetizer menu while I get this kid situated on my boob.

Believe me, I don’t want to be doing this in public any more than you and your horrified 12-year-old want to see it. But the fact is, I got other kids to feed too, and I’m not going to cook for them at home with a newborn. So just gimme a minute and then we’ll be all set. K thanks.

3 – Please help us pick things up when we drop them (or any other small task that prevents us from having to squat down in public, or really anywhere.)

I don’t know about the other pregnant ladies out there, but all of a sudden when I’m actually in need of them, those expectant mother parking spaces are gone. Like, poof. (Target, I’m looking at you.)

So in the absence of any little things that make our lives a little easier out there in the greater world, there are some very small, but still wonderful, things you partners can do to make our lives easier. Like these!

• Offer to get your lady some water at night.
• Empty the dishwasher.
• Do the grocery shopping once every couple weeks.
• Remind her that she’s doing a good job and if you want extra points, tell her she looks great. Even in those godawful nursing pajamas and airplane socks.

4 – Please don’t tell me your friend’s/sister’s/second-cousin-twice-removed’s nipple fell off while breastfeeding, or some other horror story.

Yes, I admit I lean toward the candid side in my information sharing with other moms or moms-to-be, but never to the point where I think I’m actually going to scare someone.

Yes, It’s good to be honest, but be honest to a point. Round out that horrible three-day-long-labor-and-subsequent-c-section story with some humor, or inspiration. For example: “I may have lost pints of blood and mourned the loss of my desired birth plan, but I did still end up with a healthy baby, and learned something about my toughness along the way.” See? All better.

5 – Please don’t forget to offer to help.

This one goes out to all the friends and loved ones of Pregnant Chick. Just because we’re on kid #2, #3 or #4, or (God help you, I bow down) #5+, doesn’t mean we don’t need a little TLC. We’ve been to this rodeo before, yes (and our bodies have lived to tell the tale), but we still need help just like we did the first time around. In fact, we probably need it more with all the subsequent kiddos’ arrivals.

***

See? Simple! We are soooo not the emotionally-unstable, relentlessly demanding hormonal monsters we are painted to be! At least not forever.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Signed,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Pregnant Friend

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