After my third loss I read on the D&C report "habitual abortion". It's a terrible title and horrific to mentally process. A habitual abortion is another way of saying recurrent pregnancy loss. I have been through it four times. The first loss occurred so soon after I found I was pregnant that there was no time to feel anything. The second loss was one that left me traumatized. At the 7 week ultrasound my husband and I were told that something was wrong and to prepare for another miscarriage. We went for an ultrasound each week for the next three weeks to monitor the pregnancy. Each week we got a chance to see our son continue to fight even with a weak heart beat. By the fourth visit his heart stopped beating. We later found out that he had Trisomy 16. The third loss was uneventful when compared to the second. At that point we decided it was time to visit a fertility clinic and undergo a RPL panel in order to start IVF. I got pregnant the forth time while undergoing IUI prior to starting IVF (required by the insurance company). I was discharged at 8 weeks to the regular OBGYN. Finally! We were in the clear! So I thought. I went in at 9 weeks for a routine ultrasound. I will never forget the moment the doctor would not turn the monitor around for me to see the baby. I could read her face and I said "there's no heartbeat is there". I don't know how I managed to drive home after that. Our son had Trisomy 15 and even with a strong heartbeat at 8 weeks was deemed "incompatible with life".

In the course of two years my husband and I suffered through four losses. In that time we realized that there are going to be people who don't understand why we put ourselves through everything. They will make stupid comments or will be afraid to bring up the losses. If we could give any advice it would be- speak about the losses because you never know who you may help, educate people because many stupid comments come out of ignorance (even from family), and lastly it's ok to seek out mental health help- PTSD from pregnancy loss is VERY real. The #ihadamiscarriage campaign is an amazing resource too. Talking about the losses and processing feelings together is crucial for a couple.

I am happy to say we did have a happy ending after IVF with genetic testing and a PTSD filled pregnancy...a happy and healthy baby boy.