My daughter lost her key fob this week.

She drove home, so I assume it’s… somewhere? But we’ve torn the house apart, pulled apart all of the sofas, bravely looked under her bed (who knew a 16 year old could have SO. MUCH. STUFF. under her bed?!?!) and went through the trash (gross).

It’s a used late-model car that came with one key. We’d both had the thought, multiple times, that we should get one of those tracker thingies. But we didn’t.

It’s lost. Sure to turn up after she’ s paid the hundreds of dollars it will take to replace it. (This is how natural consequences work in Peaceful Parenting… FYI).

But, I had to deal with the tow-truck, the car dealership, and the gutting news that this was going to cost her $700. That’s a lot of hours of hostessing. She’s also going to be carless for a while, as there’s this thing about the manufacturer releasing some things, and deprogramming the old keys and OH LA LA…

My stuff was UP. As a rule, I don’t get angry with my kids when they make mistakes. But I felt a seething discomfort in my body. I spent the better part of a day feeling off. Frustrated, yes, but there was something underneath. Upon closer examination…

Grief.

I’ve been called “flighty” my whole life. I’ve been shamed, scolded and dismissed for doing something like losing my keys. People who I love, my mom, my ex, and “friends” have made me feel stupid, worthless and inconsequential for making mistakes.

I’d sent Charlotte a text that was rather terse, which she, of course interpreted as “My mom is mad at me.” But I wasn’t mad at her… I was mad at myself. And all of the people who have made me feel worth-less because I lose things, forget things, and don’t always have my feet planted firmly on the ground.

After a good journaling session, I called Charlotte this morning.

“Honey,” I said, “I want to share something with you. I realized that I’d been harsh with you. But I GET IT. I am also someone who has lost so many things and made so many “stupid” mistakes. And I’ve learned to be someone who doesn’t get mad at myself when I do. Instead, I’ve learned to be someone who is really good at strategizing and solving problems when I do.” “I also realized that this brought up a lot of my feelings of people being really unkind when I’ve made mistakes. And I don’t want that for you.”

She breathed a sigh of relief. She has finals today, and she’s been really stressed.

“I’m so glad you called me and told me this before I took my exams today, mom. I was really worried you were angry.” She shared that she’d gone to the bathroom with her friend after she got my text and cried.

Ouch.

I know I’ve said this a million times, but Peaceful Parenting isn’t perfect parenting. We’re all going to mess up. We’re going to lose keys, and forget appointments. We’re going to project our stuff onto our kids.

Self-awareness is vital. Vulnerability is vital. And repair. Because even when things go wrong, there is ALWAYS an opportunity to make them right.