This is a hard truth to admit. It hit me as I drove away from my Corporate job with my son in the back just as joyful as ever not knowing what had just taken place. You see, after being out for several months to take care of Jaxson and heal from the NICU journey, my job decided to "eliminate" my position. A week after their decision I had to turn in my company phone, corporate card and pick up a few of my belongings. It was officially the end and as the chapter closed it hit me, I had no one to call or say hey can we grab lunch and talk about this?

Sometimes you just want to call and chat or sit with a friend. I needed my tribe at that moment, except, I don't really have a tribe. It hurts to even write that but its my truth. My days are spent with my baby boy and the friends that I do have mostly live out of state- so that in some ways creates a different dynamic. Over the last year I've become numb to the fact that so many people have left my life. People grow things change, its life I get it- but if I really take the time to think about it, it actually hurts a little. So in order to keep things light and moving forward I don't think too much about it.

I desire to have true friendships with like minded women- I believe it's possible to have a family and good friends that you can hang out with. I always thought it would be fun to have mommy friends to go out with and our children would have these awesome play dates! Well, that's not my current reality.

Me & my best buddy!

My husband offers to hang with Jaxson sometimes so that I can get a break and go do something fun. When I take him up on his offer, its to run errands. Every now and again I love to pamper myself so I'll take a trip to the salon, the nail shop or the spa to recharge. Happy hour or dinner with the girls isn't "a thing" anymore. People are busy and living their own lives.

When Jaxson came home from the NICU I felt a strong shift. I wasn't the same person, my anxiety level was higher but not as edgy as when he was in the NICU. All of my priorities changed. Because he came home in the November, we had to spend the majority of our time in the house as to not expose him to possible colds and viruses. I was so engulfed in motherhood that I didn't really focus on the fact that I didn't have a lot of friends to hang out with. Social media interaction became my go to and I met so many wonderful mom's who needed advice or even just someone to talk to. It was so therapeutic to share my journey and connect in a new way. Through my journey to motherhood I have found my calling and purpose. I pour into the lives of women daily and I find the greatest joy in doing so. So while we may not hang out, in some way, they are becoming my tribe.

Often times it so easy to put ourselves on the back burner and even get lost in the world of being a wife and mother and all of the responsibilities that it entails. We pour out so much to others and end up neglecting the fact that we too need our cups to be filled. I've had to make a conscious effort to refuel and do some of the things that make me happy with or without a friend. Creating makes me feel alive and I'm good at it, so that's my go-to thing!

I don't write this for pity, but more so as a release. I am sure someone else out there can relate and maybe is too afraid to say it. I also want to encourage the woman, the mother that feels alone or hopeless. Know that you aren't- God is always there. What a friend we have in Jesus! He sticks closer than a brother and is indeed a friend to the friendless. So in this season where it seems so different and unfamiliar, I have to be content with the truth of God's word knowing and really believing that He will never leave me nor forsake me. He is my friend and His love sustains me. So whether or not my true "girlfriend tribe" comes or not, I'm going to continue being the best mom, wife and woman of God that I can be!