https://talkingfortwo.com/in-a...

Can’t we just buy groceries like a normal family?

In our community we have a Facebook page where community members can ‘RANT or RAVE’. About a month ago this was one of the posts I read and a few of the comments that were made…

(Not a rant or rave, but major kudos to the mom at the Local store around 3:30 today. She came in with two young boys, around 3 and 5. Tried to put the younger one in a cart and he threw a tantrum!!! She calmly told him that they were going to get food and he need to ride in the cart. He continued to stomp and scream. She picked him up and told the older boy that they were leaving and left the store!! I applaud her for not giving in or allowing the tantrum to continue throughout the store. Great job mom!!!!

Comment one: I noticed others rolling their eyes and sighing, I was thinking to myself, just wait and see what she does, don’t judge too quickly!! And low and behold!! That mom stepped up and mommed the shit out of it!!

Comment two: I bet there were some like us that wanted to applaud! Thanks for sharing a great event!

Comment three: Nice for someone to notice a great mom that shows respect to fellow shoppers! A teachable moment. That others could learn from!)

I think I read this at least four times. I tried to put myself in all situations. The consumer, the mother, the store owner, and the person writing this. Each time I kept coming back to myself and a mother of two boys with autism. I have never replied to a post on this page but this time I felt I had too. I had to reply for all the times I myself felt judgement, felt misunderstood, and under-supported. For the times we have been asked to leave somewhere because our behavior was too much for others and for the times that just simply made me sad. I need to respond for the families just beginning this journey, the families who have been on this journey for awhile, and for families that struggle with this journey every time they leave their house.

My response: (While I appreciate two sides to every situation; I think we might also need to consider that perhaps this mother left not to teach her child a lesson but to spare herself embarrassment from judging shoppers. As mother of two boys with autism I cannot tell you how many times I shopped through meltdowns or tantrum-for some that might not know the difference. I’ve been hit, kicked, and bit as well during this time; however, leaving the store would have been “giving in” to my child’s behavior. So, I don’t! I stay through the stares, judgments and humiliation because of their teachable moment is that a meltdown or tantrum doesn’t allow you to escape the store or task we have to do. I too hate buying food, but we can’t live without it…it is something we must do. As a mother I must teach my boys this skill no matter how painful it is for us, and those around. So, if you see us at local grocery store, Target or in the community and we are struggling please know we are not trying to ruin your shopping experience we are trying to improve ours. Be kind always, you never know what others are dealing with.)

How ironic that two days after I posted this, I would find myself in an unfavorable position. Gratefully, people were kind that day to our family. Showed us grace, employees quickly came to clean up the damage we had caused, a kind gentleman hugged my daughter telling her she was doing a great job, and the store didn’t charge us for the broken product. Sadly, this is not a typical experience for most families.

That day:

I stand at the meat counter frozen in my Birkenstocks, in my mind it has already happened. I have seen every moment of what is about to happen play out right in front me. You would think I would have been prepared for it and already on guard.

In the corner of my eye I see it. I can visualize it all, but in reality, I cannot move. As much as I want to jump, run, shout, scream, or prevent this from happening there is nothing I can do to stop what is about to occur.

I watch in distress as the vision I have seen unfolds right in front of me. Urijah’s screams of irritability, the intense wide eyes of fear from onlookers, and blue and yellow streaks of color flash by as the sound of glass shatters across the tile floor. I close my eyes to escape for a moment the insanity of my life and am quickly brought back to reality as the aroma of Blue Moon Brew seeps down the aisle.

There we were our family of five trying to be normal, trying to fit in to our society, just trying to buy our groceries like everyone else; and in one moment of rage Urijah took down the Blue Moon display of beer bottles.

The whole episode took less than 90 seconds, but the damage was done. We stood shocked, embarrassed, and in the middle of a big mess. Quentin’s voice is increasing to higher octaves as his anxiety increases, Urijah starts engaging in self-injury and clean-up has already started taking place. I decide it is best for the boys and I to sit the remainder of this shopping trip out in the truck.

Defeated I replay the past ten minutes in my mind. How could this have possibly gone different? How could I have prevented that from happening or moved faster? What if we would have just stayed home. I could ask myself this repeatedly, but the truth is there’s nothing I could do to prevent this beside never leave our home. How do we improve if we don’t try? How does Urijah grow if we don’t challenge him? How do we as a family learn the necessary skills needed to be successful and how do we teach members of our community acceptance if we remain behind the closed doors of our home.

We don’t! We lose the battle and our children get worse. They grow into adults without appropriate social skills, no community skills, and they lack the ability to be independent. As parents of children with special needs, whether it be autism or some other developmental disability, we are trying every day to make the future a little better for our children. I can promise you that our public outings are not easy nor fun.

I can also tell you that we are not trying to ruin your shopping experience. We are just trying to do the best job we can, teach our child(ren) all the life skills we can, and give them the best life possible. And isn’t that what parenting is all about, regardless of special needs or not?

So, I ask you the next time you see a parent struggling in a store, in your community, or anywhere in public; BE KIND! Offer a smile of understanding. Ask if you can help-you might not be able to do anything but believe me the offer will be appreciated. Just knowing that someone is there to help means A LOT!

Be careful not to do anything until the parent gives you direction; let the parent guide you. Push the cart, hold her purse, or gather their scattered belongings. Any gesture of help is appreciated. You don’t need to be an expert, have training, or know anything about autism. All you need to do is help support them if you can. Stopping, watching, and/or passing judgement on the situation does not help. If anything it makes matters worse for everyone.

The next time you are out and see one of us struggling, I ask you for all of us parents, please don’t just stop and stare. Please don’t judge us. Understand that we are trying the best we can. Offer your support or carry on with your tasks. But please be kind us, you never know what we are dealing with.